Lately there have been a lot of posts on some web sites regarding issues at Hedonism III. I believe this may be part of a conspiracy to distract us from the real concern, ALIEN TRAVELERS!
That’s right, Aliens are using Hedonism as a stop over point in their travel between two planets in two distant galaxies. This has been occurring for years, but due to a recent trade agreement between these two planets the volume of travelers has now begun to strain the hospitality of Hedonism and jeopardize your holiday.
Earth, specifically Jamaica is on the same plane as these two planets and approximately half way between them. Limitations in current intergalactic transportation make a direct trip impossible (for more information about this you should reference Dr. Emilio Lizardo’s paper “Urban Sprawl in an Expanding Universe”). Much like how we change planes the aliens are making a brief stop at the resort. There are also some Aliens who fail to ‘go’ before they leave home and even at light speed, sometimes can’t hold it till they reach their destination.
WHY DID ALIENS CHOOSE HEDONISM? Hedonism was an easy choice; accommodating hosts, beautiful surroundings, good food, friendly staff and of course the fact that the resort welcomes so many different types of individuals. Conveniently most guests are usually impaired and don’t always remember many of the incidents that occurred during their stay. Still others would deny that they were at Hedonism even if Jesus himself were to appear. So the Aliens feel there is not much risk of exposure. Aliens also like water slides, but that was a fortunate coincidence.
AM I IN DANGER? No, not physically, but your restaurant reservation is! The aliens are not a threat even if they do appear to be following you to your room. In such a situation you should confront them by saying “You’re not welcome here! Go To Sandals!”. They are very concerned about being exposed and don't want to give up this convenient stop over where they’ve become accustomed to stopping for a squirt, a mojito and some jerk chicken. They are however apparently the reason for missing silverware, short plate supplies, long waits for dinner and limited food.
HOW DO I KNOW WHO THE ALIENS ARE? The aliens tend to be less fun then your typical guest. They are always clothed as there genitalia is a potential give away. The male sex organ resembles a balloon animal, while the females is similar to a catchers mitt and makes a buzzing sound. They prefer the prude side of the resort, but are sometimes seen lurking around the nude bar and hot tub fully clothed. If you see someone on the waterslide with clothing, it’s an Alien!!! They are also the only ones who bid at the Art Auctions.
AN ALIEN GOT MY NACHOS! If you have to wait for food or a drink, if you room is not made up within 20 minutes after you wake, or if you are denied a menu item it’s because an Alien got it! This is the problem that must be remedied!
WHAT DO I DO? My investigation shows that there is a way that the Aliens are successful at letting staff and management know that they are not typical guests. When approaching a staff member of Hedonism, before engaging in conversation you should place the index finger of your right hand into your right ear and your left hand thumb in your buttocks. This will get their attention and get you the service you deserve. Should that fail go to the most convenient bar and commit to drinking every penny of profit that the resort made off of you during your trip.
EARTHLINGS ROCK!
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thanks Don and Dar
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