curious 2 know difference

**BYQSASHA** · 07-16-2009, 10:29 PM

i have to admit, i curious to know the difference between swinging couples-married AND open marriages....

**ScubaSteve** · 07-16-2009, 10:41 PM

Everyone has their own definition but I would see Swinging and Open marriage as the same thing.

Some in an Open Marriage have to tell their partner (some say the biggest plus of an open marriage) who or what they are going to do or have done.
Where others into swinging say that it all has to happen in the same room in front of each other.

Couples in either scenario have their own rules that work for them. Everyone has their own limits.

Im sure this explanation is as clear as mud, but its my 2 cents.

Ciao for now,

**NickandKitty** · 07-16-2009, 10:55 PM

Like most things in relationships I think you will find a subtly different answer from every couple. To us, while we swing on occasion we are not in an open relationship because neither of us is interested in participating in those activities without the other present. We both know that with eachother there we can do and have whatever we want, but being together when we do that is part of the excitement, the sharing. So yes, I would say that for us we are occasional swingers but it is not the same as an open relationship.
The best advice I could give someone on this theme is that you must talk and talk and talk about possibilities and feelings and rules- it's so important to have those groundrules- otherwise you are not on the same page and risk disaster.
Nick (and the sexy Kitty)tm

**hedopair** · 07-17-2009, 12:19 AM

In our opinion, an open marriage is best summed up by the concept that one part of the couple stays home while the other goes out have sex. Most swinging would be characterized by being , let's say, under the same roof.

**BLKCPLEJUSBROWS** · 07-17-2009, 06:15 AM

this is a great question one that I think alot of people are curious about ,fist off my wife and I are not swingers nor are we in an open marriage. However we veiw an open marriage as basically no marraige at all ....an open marriage allows either person to engage in a relationship totally outside the marriage..."you stay home with the kids ,I got a date tonight ..see ya in the morning" to us that is not a marriage.Swinging is an activity that is for couples to enjoy together most true swingers would never think of playing without thier mate.From what we've been told the fun of swinging is getting to see the pleasure on your mates face

**BLKCPLEJUSBROWS** · 07-18-2009, 07:52 AM

Also swinging is something you share as a couple and it is IMO based on sex without emotion ,sex for recreation.To me an open marriage is about being involved in more than one relationship ,having feelingsfor someone other than your mate and your mate possibly doing the same. Swinging sounds like if done properly with trust and respect can be healthy,fun part of a marriage,an open "marriage" sounds like disaster waiting to happen just my opinion

**hedopair** · 07-18-2009, 07:57 AM

Sounds about right.....

**MaryW** · 07-18-2009, 10:21 AM

See now we've met plenty of couples who define themselves as an "open" marriage and still play together as well as apart.

Likewise there are many swingers who will play separately. While most "clubs" don't allow singles to attend, there are plenty of guests who will go off with someone else at the club to play without their respective partners.

All of the terms have become so muddied over time which is probably due to the fact that there is no "governing board" to make up rules and definitions. Even with organizations like the NCSF and NASCA nothing is truly defined.

Remember, swinger is synonymous with "lifestyle" and everyone who embraces the Hedo concept is in the lifestyle! Just as there are soft through full-swap swingers there are soft through full swap open marriages.

Lets confuse it some more and throw in the concept of Polyamory! While most polys are not swingers, all are an "alternative lifestyle" and we've met plenty at swingers conventions who while being poly, also swing/swap!!!

So in ANY situation of encountering another couple with the possiblity of play you still have to find out their "rules"....there are thousands of variations.

**chrisandlizvt** · 07-18-2009, 11:29 AM

We don't have an open marriage or a swinging marriage, but do have friends in both situations....so I can add another perspective to what has been posted.

One of my best friends is in an open marriage. They've been married for over 20 years and have had one of his girlfriends living with them for over 10 years. She (my friend) has several lovers she sees, he has lovers other than my friend and his live in GF, the live in GF also has lovers. It works well for them and no one is feeling left out or that the open marriage works only one way. They spend time with their lovers as they see fit...the only rules they have are that they each need to meet and give the okay for any new lovers. I've always been on "the approved list" for my friends husband, but I've never taken advantage of the offer.

They often engage in group sex, sometimes go out to spend time alone with lovers, often swap when at various events, share hotel rooms, you name it. It isn't a case of simply one person leaves the house for a date with someone else, tho that does happen. They have lasting bonds with their lovers....they've known most of them for over 10 or 20 years.

I also have friends who swing (they call themselves swingers). They visit Hedo and play with other couples. They also meet people in the States. It is done more as a couples thing and seems more focused on the sex, not involving the caring and building a relationship with another couple or person as it is with my friends in their open marriage (their term).

So many variations!

Liz

**FF407** · 08-13-2009, 07:29 AM

Communication is # 1 key in both these situations. Communication is a must to keep a couple together that decides to start swinging. We are not in an open marriage, since to us, an open marriage means that either the wife/husband, can go and date and have open relations with whoever. To us, swinging is sharing the moment and fun with each other. We never do anything without each other present.

**weliveinvegas** · 08-13-2009, 12:57 PM

Originally Posted by brad44nb

Communication is # 1 key in both these situations....

Talk Talk Talk...and Talk some more...

Originally Posted by brad44nb

To us, swinging is sharing the moment and fun with each other. We never do anything without each other present.

Another good rule that we also go by, though we are into MFM for her enjoyment, FMF for both of ours enjoyment and couples play as well...we party by the old saying that..."The couple that plays together, stays together"...your mileage may vary, but it works for us..

Ivy and Rick
"Once you go, you will know"

**Black Vulcan** · 08-15-2009, 08:58 PM

Open Marriages also sometimes go by the term polyamorous, which the situation that Liz and Chris sounds like. I just read a very interesting article on it:

http://www.newsweek.com/id/209164

**partynekkid** · 08-17-2009, 11:02 AM

When I started reading this thread, I thought I would have plenty to say on the subject, but as I finished reading I realized much of what I was going to say has been said, so just to beat the dead horse one more time to make sure he's not faking, #1 communication #2 rules both are comfortable with; any variations to the original agreement to be discussed and agreed upon first.

We've only had a handful of experiences at it, but what I can say is that it is much better between people you already like and get along with, who also have similar interests, than it is with someone just brought in because they are willing, at least for me.

**weliveinvegas** · 08-17-2009, 04:41 PM

Originally Posted by partynekkid

...but what I can say is that it is much better between people you already like and get along with, who also have similar interests, than it is with someone just brought in because they are willing, at least for me.

Agreed, our "Friendship first" rule adds trust to the experience. We know body parts will match up, just need something a bit more, the last people we slept with on the first date...was each other...and that was a few years back....

Ivy and Rick
"Once you go, you will know"

**Triplethefun** · 08-20-2009, 02:56 AM

Originally Posted by Black Vulcan

I just read a very interesting article on it:

http://www.newsweek.com/id/209164

That was a good article, but i'm not sure I agree that polyamory is a choice where as homosexuality is not.

I've been in many serial monogamous relationships where it seems there is always tension/jealousy because most of my deep friendships are with men. I couldn't imagine giving up these friendships because I became more intimate with one person, but many of these men feel that's the rule. I don't choose to be able to love more than one person, it just occurs for me. I would have to choose NOT to follow through on the emotions of loving others if I had to be emotionally monogamous.

In my current relationship, my SO is married and we have a V configuration. We've been this way for 4 years - yes, we all have to communicate like hell to make sure that everyone is happy...and while many guys rib him for having two women, he makes no joke that the communication needed isn't just doubled, it's exponential. Right now, there is only the three of us, but if any of us chose to have another relationship, we would all talk about it and make sure everyone could relate to the balancing act.

Add to this that we all swing together with other couples. At first, his wife didn't choose to go, but always wanted to hear our stories when we came home. Over the last year, she has come along with us frequently and has begun to enjoy the lifestyle.

Of course it's difficult, but so is a couples relationship if you really work at it. Perhaps that's one of the things SO/wife enjoy most now is that their relationship is much strong because they talk so much more. My college age children know and understand the relationship, their tween kids just know that dad and I are best pals because I like to do boy-type things more than their mom does. Because they see the three of us together laughing and having fun, they don't question how it's different from their other friends' parents....except that their mom and dad are still married.

when faced with the american standard of loving only one woman at a time, SO couldn't possibly make a choice. society says he could have an affair and that would be more acceptable, or he could divorce his wife for me...but he loves her and wants to be with her, just as he loves me and wants to be with me. Poly is kinda like being on the grade school playground where everyone still played with everyone else and that was okay. It wasn't until you got to jr high that you had to be really selective in your friends. I'm sure everyone has had a friend who says "well if you invite so-n-so, I'm not going". Why have to make that choice?

As for defining an open marriage, to me that's always been where you don't need your partner's permission to go see someone else. I always seek my partner's permission and chances are I bring the other two along!

good thoughts on topic here! thanks