Question regarding Sharing, etc

**ScubaSteve** · 07-16-2009, 09:54 AM

Originally Posted by MaryW

I just HAVE to address this. I'm very "familiar" with this as well as I've actually experienced it. As have many people on this forum and around the world.

I cannot believe a professional would make a blanket statement that you will end up in therapy if you participate in a 3-some!

Obviously as a therapist you see the people who have problems with it. I dont' suppose the ones who successfully enjoy the lifestyle come and pay you to tell you that they are enjoying it and happy!

We've had 3-somes and as many have said here, if your marriage is solid, it will not cause problems. In fact, you MAY develop feelings for someone else IF you have an ongoing relationship with them, but if your PRIMARY relationships is strong then that relationship will prevail.

Your number one priority is your significant other - no matter WHAT happens among the 3 of you. No matter what feelings develop...then you either walk away or consider a poly relationship...but the fact is you must always be able to walk away and many people do. Of course, many/most do not! It's not easy if it happens, but being without your SO is always the most important outcome.

It doesn't always end in a disaster...but then there had to be a problem within your relationship to begin with. Some lack of fullfilment that someone else was able to overshadow.

This can happen with ANY aspect of the lifestyle, including soft and full swap.

To the OP....talk and talk until you've exhausted every possible scenario, feelings, outcomes that you can think of. Be prepared for anything and keep close contact with each other.

Constantly making eye contact during any encounter - having some signal between you that one of you is uncomfortable. Always agree to stop, no matter how hot the situation is, if one of you is not enjoying the moment.

Mary,
I was wanting to leave a long and detailed response expressing pretty much what you stated above and was surprised that no one had yet.
I might just jump on your band wagon and leave my own reply.

Thanks again,

**precambrian** · 07-16-2009, 09:56 AM

Originally Posted by MaryW

I just HAVE to address this. I'm very "familiar" with this as well as I've actually experienced it. As have many people on this forum and around the world.

I cannot believe a professional would make a blanket statement that you will end up in therapy if you participate in a 3-some!

Obviously as a therapist you see the people who have problems with it. I dont' suppose the ones who successfully enjoy the lifestyle come and pay you to tell you that they are enjoying it and happy!

We've had 3-somes and as many have said here, if your marriage is solid, it will not cause problems. In fact, you MAY develop feelings for someone else IF you have an ongoing relationship with them, but if your PRIMARY relationships is strong then that relationship will prevail.

Your number one priority is your significant other - no matter WHAT happens among the 3 of you. No matter what feelings develop...then you either walk away or consider a poly relationship...but the fact is you must always be able to walk away and many people do. Of course, many/most do not! It's not easy if it happens, but being without your SO is always the most important outcome.

It doesn't always end in a disaster...but then there had to be a problem within your relationship to begin with. Some lack of fullfilment that someone else was able to overshadow.

This can happen with ANY aspect of the lifestyle, including soft and full swap.

To the OP....talk and talk until you've exhausted every possible scenario, feelings, outcomes that you can think of. Be prepared for anything and keep close contact with each other.

Constantly making eye contact during any encounter - having some signal between you that one of you is uncomfortable. Always agree to stop, no matter how hot the situation is, if one of you is not enjoying the moment.

I agree with you as well. Many of these so called "therapists" or psychologists are incapable of individual thought, instead they regurgitate information from their texts etc.... I've taken post graduate courses in abnormal psychology at UCLA, and you would be surprised and unimpressed with some of these therapists & psychs...

The individual you are responding to has indicated he was a bi-sexual? If you read his posts, unless I've missed something, he appears to be in denial over his own sexuality.

**bonjovi823** · 07-16-2009, 10:08 AM

I hate to turn a vacation page into a therapy session, however- everyone who comes into this world falls within a "Sexuality Scale" which starts at 1 and ends at 7. 1 being heterosexual and 7 being homosexual. EVeryone falls on the scale between 4 and 5. Now of course when one grows older, they tend to move up or down on the scale. But the possibility of bisexuality is always there.

With that said, someone had said that therapists read from textbooks- agreed. However, I get my information from the prisons I work in and my patients I spend numerous hours with. You can not say you love someone and have a 3 some or "share". If you "loved" someone, the thought of sharing would kill you. Remember the story about the king who mediated with the 2 women who both stated that the boy was their son. The king said that both women would share the child and it was the real mother who said she would not share because it is her son. How can any man or woman watch another man or woman have sex with their partner? A couple who is love, like my partner and I who have been married for numerous years- would cringe at the thought of watching someone else have sex with them. I can never look at that person the same way. I have an open mind and don't really care what goes on in Hedo while I am there, chances are i'll probably be particpating. But taking graduate classes at a college means next to shit. There is opinion and there is fact.

with that said,

SEE YOU ALL NEW YEARS EVE!!

**weliveinvegas** · 07-16-2009, 10:08 AM

Originally Posted by bonjovi823

....It's a difficult road that I suggest you do not follow. If you do follow it, be prepared to spend thousands of dollars on therapy and speak to people like me......

Married 27 years, lifestylers...couples play and MFM and FMF, for the last 12, just curious at what point do we start our therapy???

Ivy and Rick
"Once you go, you will know"

**bonjovi823** · 07-16-2009, 10:14 AM

Why is everyone taking offense to my statement--my views are based on MAJORITY! I am not saying everyone. Can we move of the therapy session please and move on to Hedo 3. XOXO God speed

**weliveinvegas** · 07-16-2009, 10:30 AM

Originally Posted by bonjovi823

....You can not say you love someone and have a 3 some or "share". If you "loved" someone, the thought of sharing would kill you...

Not gonna be a popular statement supported by fact on this forum. Your statement is again a blanket saying that the relationship that my wife and I have shared for 27 years is no longer a loving one? I think that you will find that many folks on this forum know my wife and I, lets ask them, folks that know us...in love or not?

Originally Posted by bonjovi823

How can any man or woman watch another man or woman have sex with their partner? A couple who is love, like my partner and I who have been married for numerous years- would cringe at the thought of watching someone else have sex with them.

Because it would make you cringe, does not make it gospel nor the way everyone else thinks. A few years back people ...using your word...cringed at the thought of FF or MM couples, though some folks may still frown on it, it is fast becoming more and more accepted

Originally Posted by bonjovi823

I can never look at that person the same way. I have an open mind and don't really care what goes on in Hedo while I am there, chances are i'll probably be particpating.

Does this statement then make you a hypocrite?

Now off my soap box and yes, I needed every inch it gave me....

Ivy and Rick
"Once you go, you will know"

**woodylynn** · 07-16-2009, 10:35 AM

"You can not say you love someone and have a 3 some or "share"."

Ugh.

And Pot will lead you to cocaine, Polish people are stupid, Mexican's lazy, masterbation makes you blind.

Bizzare posts this week. Marriage counsellors saying all play leads to couples therapy? the dude pointing us to the sexy boxers site?

Seriously, I gots to get me on a plane, get my thermos filled with redstripe, get naked, and yeah...

if the mood is right, get it on with my sexy wife and hopefully some other fun flirty sexy hedo types.

**bonjovi823** · 07-16-2009, 10:35 AM

Very good rick-- I give credit where given. hats off to you my friend

**bonjovi823** · 07-16-2009, 10:36 AM

I have sum1 who agrees with me!! ABout time

**weliveinvegas** · 07-16-2009, 10:36 AM

As an aside bonjovi, I respect your right to your opinion and if we ever crossed paths at Hedo, would not have issues having a beer or a drink with you regardless of our obvious difference in thoughts.

Ivy and Rick
"Once you go, you will know"

**bonjovi823** · 07-16-2009, 10:39 AM

You know I am a bit prudish at times. If i had a normal teenage upbringing and didn't go to war at 17, I would feel the same way about 3 somes. I actually am against them because we had one 6 years ago and it almost broke us apart. And rick, I would enjoy having a beer with you. I hope to meet you at hedo3

JOEY

**ScubaSteve** · 07-16-2009, 10:41 AM

Originally Posted by bonjovi823

This is a topic I am very familar with. I work out of Scranton, Pa as a marriage/sex therapist. It's not as thrilling as it sounds. What happens to a couple is that when they get "bored" of the same sexual acts, they tend to either want more or tend to break up. When a couple wants more, they might suggest bringing in someone else into the bedroom. The problem with this is that now you share you most intimate moments with a third person. The third person may not have any personal connection with either of you, however-a personal connection can evolve/develop during sexual activity. I have counseled MANY couples who after having a threesome either broke up, or 1 of the persons from the couple developed feelings for the person in the third party.

You may think because it's (MFF) that noone will develope feelings. However, you very well can towards the other women that you will share your experiences with. Ask yourself this question.. once your spouse gets tired of the (MFF), what is going to stop her from wanting an (MMF). Then would you be able to handle another person having sex with your wife? Would you be able to look at her the same? It's a difficult road that I suggest you do not follow. If you do follow it, be prepared to spend thousands of dollars on therapy and speak to people like me. Truly, that is not what you want. Enjoy each other because you never know what you have until it's gone.

As a professional (you, not me), I am surprised you state your opinions or observations as wide sweeping and generalizing fact.

There are so many different types of people and couples in the lifestyle for as many different reasons.
One thought (of many) in the lifestyle is that love is love and sex is sex. Do you really see sex as the most intimate part of a relationship? A healthy relationship is so much more than sex. An intimate relationship is so much more than sex.
I'm not saying the scenarios that you witness don't happen, I'm sure they do. I would guess that the happy lifestylers are not seeking therapy. You may be seeing the ones that one half is coerced by the other to participate or are desperate at saving their dying home fires that they try to throw gasoline on it. "And hows that work'in for ya" (Dr. Phil)The lifestyle is not for everybody.
It takes strong individuals in a strong relationship who are secure, self confident and generous. It will not likely save an ailing relationship.
Another (again, of many) ideology of lifestylers is that if I love my spouse, truly love my spouse, why would I not want her to have all the pleasure she can have, be it with me or someone else?
Have you considered the benefits of the lifestyle?
It can bring you closer and nurture an intimacy that you have never thought possible.
There is a great thread that talks about all the "After effects of Hedo" (not necessarily lifestyle)
GreatThreadHere

I don't expect that you will (or should) change your clinical point of view, although with some research, I would guess you would find published papers with differing results.

**precambrian** · 07-16-2009, 10:41 AM

Originally Posted by bonjovi823

I hate to turn a vacation page into a therapy session, however- everyone who comes into this world falls within a "Sexuality Scale" which starts at 1 and ends at 7. 1 being heterosexual and 7 being homosexual. EVeryone falls on the scale between 4 and 5. Now of course when one grows older, they tend to move up or down on the scale. But the possibility of bisexuality is always there.

With that said, someone had said that therapists read from textbooks- agreed. However, I get my information from the prisons I work in and my patients I spend numerous hours with. You can not say you love someone and have a 3 some or "share". If you "loved" someone, the thought of sharing would kill you. Remember the story about the king who mediated with the 2 women who both stated that the boy was their son. The king said that both women would share the child and it was the real mother who said she would not share because it is her son. How can any man or woman watch another man or woman have sex with their partner? A couple who is love, like my partner and I who have been married for numerous years- would cringe at the thought of watching someone else have sex with them. I can never look at that person the same way. I have an open mind and don't really care what goes on in Hedo while I am there, chances are i'll probably be particpating. But taking graduate classes at a college means next to shit. There is opinion and there is fact.

with that said,

SEE YOU ALL NEW YEARS EVE!!

THIS is exactly what hogwash the gay community uses! Unbelievable, but here it is for all of you to see! This is an attempt at normalizing this behaviour & making more acceptable. It is an attempt at "converting" or "duping" others into participating in homosexual-male behaviour. If Hedo turns into an experiment for the gay community, count us out! Beware all, these people get their facts from very peculiar and questionable sources. We do not care what people do behind closed doors, but DO NOT tell us we are bi-sexual or bi-curious or homosexual! We can deal with "bi-curious/sexual" females, but that is where it stops for us. I had a Uni professor state that all men are "secretly" gay and afraid to admit it? I'm sorry, but at some point this becomes very offensive. Tolerance is one thing, sticking your male genitalia where it does not belong is another.

It is ALWAYS the same argument, and at some point it has to stop. Luckily we just made a friend on this board who pointed out that there are other places to go, just a bit more expensive. We still plan on going, but we will be paying attention. Instead of "Vinnys", I guess we will have to be on the look out for "Thay fellas"?

**bonjovi823** · 07-16-2009, 10:49 AM

This is going to be going on all day isn't it. 1st of all precambrian- people who are gay are BORN gay. Thats number 1. Number 2- when we go, we are not the "fag" type who shows PDA everywhere we go. And also- it is illegal to show gay PDA on Jamaica, it is jailtime. There is a difference between being gay and showing it off- what we do behind closed doors is only behind closed doors. We hate the femme gay community just like everyone else. There is a difference of being proud and doing it for attention-- we keep to ourselves. If you ever came across us, you will NEVER know we were gay unless we said something. We are private people. And what the hell is a VINNY?

**precambrian** · 07-16-2009, 10:51 AM

Originally Posted by bonjovi823

This is going to be going on all day isn't it. 1st of all precambrian- people who are gay are BORN gay. Thats number 1. Number 2- when we go, we are not the "fag" type who shows PDA everywhere we go. And also- it is illegal to show gay PDA on Jamaica, it is jailtime. There is a difference between being gay and showing it off- what we do behind closed doors is only behind closed doors. We hate the femme gay community just like everyone else. There is a difference of being proud and doing it for attention-- we keep to ourselves. If you ever came across us, you will NEVER know we were gay unless we said something. We are private people. And what the hell is a VINNY?

I have nothing more to say. Tout your behaviour all you want, I'm done here.