I sat down with the intent of writing a nice trip report, day to day, with all the fun and excitement laid out in a nice order. There is just no way to do that. Seriously, by Thursday I remembered most of the nonsense we managed to get ourselves up to but couldn’t for the life of me remember if it happened Monday, Sunday, or just that morning.
As this was our virgin trip, I think I can compare our experience pretty well with our expectations. Hopefully, I can bring together a nice little report that will be helpful for all of you looking forward to your first trip or thinking about breaking loose and taking off on your first Hedonist adventure.
Booking: We booked through Expedia. When first researching prices, they came in the cheapest, saving us over $500 off the price of the agent quotes we received. It was a nice savings but once we were there, we saw the extra events the Cavedwellers had arranged. We were very impressed with the way the resort worked with their organizers. We didn’t have a single issue with our reservation or arrangements but I can see where, if there resort was busier, it would have been handy to have an advocate with management. I would tell a newbie not to worry about it, just get it booked and start getting excited, but when we go back, I think we will book with a group. (Not to mention, the incredible hospitality we got from all the Cavedwellers that made our trip special, but I digress…)
Travel to Jamaica: We were on the red eye out of Phoenix. We got to the airport nice and early only to find out everything on our gateway was closed. NO BEER! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! It was two hours of stupid iPhone games. Ugh, nothing to be done about it. Traveling was all the pain in the ass I expected it to be. At 6’2” I just don’t fit in a coach seat. Time to start saving some Frequent Flier Miles for next year. We moved easily through the Atlanta airport, grabbed a snack and a giant coffee, and we were off to Jamaica. Sweet! That was Cuba out the window! You can’t see any commies or 1950’s ford coupes from 30k feet though.
The Airport at Montego Bay is smallish but comfortable. Customs and Immigration was a breeze. Bags in hand we got to the Superclubs desk. This was our initiation to the Jamaica way of doing things. They took our paperwork, handed some papers back to us. We asked some questions and really didn’t get an answer. Same with the shuttle bus driver. Where do our bags go? Where can we get a beer? Which bus are we on? No clue. Just move with the flow. About the only thing anyone was very clear about was that they had pot, that it was the best on the island, and that they had the best price available. “No thanks,” doesn’t work. Just keep shaking your head and move on. We made our way out the door and found a place to smoke a cigarette and buy a Redstripe. We were only half through each when the guy that took our bags grabbed us and pointed us to a bus. We never saw out bags. We asked, they said no problem. On the plus side, they actually were in the back of the bus. No problem, mon.
The bus ride is a little over an hour. On top of that you have a stop half way. One suggestion we got before going was make sure you stop and get a beer. It’s good advice. The bus is going to stop anyway, and the people really need the $5 we spent on beer and chips more than we do. There were Grand Lido folks on the bus that thought staying on the bus and scowling would get them to the hotel sooner. It didn’t. It was like 10 minutes, the bathrooms were reasonably clean, the beer, nice and cold. The trip can be a little exciting. You are on the wrong side of the road. The driver is a touch on the crazy side. The view of Jamaican life is fun and different. There was also a bikini model on the bus with us. Again, No problem mon!
Welcome to Hedo: After a brief stop at Grand Lido where we shed the crabby people and the 20 something honeymooners, we were there! Remarkably, the veteran bellman recognized folks from our bus! We staggered off to a “Welcome Home” and let the blood back into our legs. It was all good now. Traveler Tip – Have your little registration card completed when you step off the bus and get it to the girl from the front desk quickly. We were checked in and in our room 15 minutes later. An hour later when we wandered out having unpacked and ready for a beer and a nosh, the other folks from our bus were eating lunch and waiting for a room to be ready.
The Rooms: After a great deal of thought I have come up with “Spartan, yet comfortable.” Truly, it is probably the first hotel room I have ever been in that didn’t have a picture of any kind on the walls. There was wood trim painted gray, and odd red plaid curtains that seemed truly out of place. A long wide mirror runs down one wall over built-in drawers and a small vanity. Large mirrors are over the bed, just too fun! A small bench under the window has a couple of vinyl pillows on it. Nothing luxurious in the least but the height of the bench and the window sill was terribly ergonomic for, well, oh, if you can’t figure that out, you really should book Sandals anyway. The TV wasn’t a flat panel although I hear they are slowly transitioning as units die. It was, however in perfect working order and strangely, had the best selection of cable channels I have ever seen in a hotel room, even having stayed at some pretty ritzy places lately. We had everything from USA Network, ESPN, Nickelodeon, to the Playboy Network and a more hardcore porn channel.
The bathroom is small, possibly too small, but the plumbing worked. No bathtub. That bugged Lynn as she was perpetually shaving her legs, but the shower had spectacular shower pressure and was mounted high on the wall which was a pleasant surprise for a tall guy. Overall, I had no complaints with the room. Could it be a little better? Sure. Did it distract from our vacation at all? Hell No.
The Resort: Mostly for the Newbies… The Resort is actually on the larger side compared to the ones we’ve stayed at in Cancun, Puerto, and Hawaii. It is older but is very well maintained. Arizona has quite a few resorts that are about the same age that in no way match Hedo II for maintenance. The landscaping is lush, a plus of the older resort, and what you are wanting from a tropical vacation. We chose II over III mostly because it is supposed to have a better beach. The beach is long and the widest of the strip of resorts in Negril. We walked along the prude beach but spent most of our beach time moving from sun to shade on the nude side. Lounges and rubber floats are plentiful.
When you enter through the lobby you are in the main restaurant section. To your left are the prude rooms. To your right, the piano bar, shops, spa, and gym. Walk through the main restaurant and bar and you are at the largest of the pools. It is prude and the only people we saw in it all week were the Teasum models. Keep walking straight to the ocean and you are at the Disco and a second prude pool. Never saw anyone in the second one.
From the Lobby and the Restaurant, turn right and you are at the Gift Shop, Piano Bar, and Gym. The gym was excellent. The best I have seen at any resort I have been to including the 5 star resorts here in Arizona. Didn’t use it though. Come on people, it’s vacation! We had planned to use the Spa, but after getting pestered daily by the pool to sign up, we skipped it. Maybe next time.
Our room was Garden View Au-Natural. Only way to go! We were just steps from the main area almost dead in between the nude pool and the lobby. Our window opened on this little grassy area in the middle of the nude area. We kept our window open all the time. (Really no bugs to speak of.) It was always a blast to hear our new friends shout WooHoo, our favorite shot, as they passed. It was an excellent opportunity to hop up and make lewd gestures from the little bench.
A walkway takes you down from the main area to the nude pool. The nude pool is smaller than expected, the Jacuzzi, larger. The nude bar is in the ocean end of the pool and is a perfect place to stand half immersed with a light sprinkle coming down, mixing and mingling with great people. (Crap, it sucks to be back at work!)
Climb out of the nude pool and you are a couple of steps to the nude bar, a blaring speaker (apparently the regular sound system is down) and the nude beach. If we weren’t napping or in the piano bar, this is where we spent the rest of our time. All those other pools and such seem kind of extraneous at this point.
The Food: Very simply put, do not go to Hedo for the food. If, however you go to Hedo for other reasons, you will find enough to eat to get you from one hedonistic foray to the next. The buffet was somewhat limited but what was offered was generally good. Tilapia is a staple and will be prepared multiple ways during your stay. My favorite was when it was marinated and grilled. They generally had pork and beef of one sort or another and though possibly overdone, it was usually covered in a rich and flavorful sauce and it went nicely with whatever rice was offered. The potatoes were the only disappointment spending far too long languishing on the heated buffet table.
Salad fixings were plentiful and fresh. Fruit was what you would expect. A chilled banana in the mornings is highly recommended. Breakfast has Charlie the Egg Man mixing up omelets, but he will also fry you up as many eggs as you ask for. To help keep the weight under control I would breakfast on three fried eggs and a pile of bacon, Atkins style. It seemed to get me up and moving. There are tons of breakfast pastry options including little twisted cinnamony things. It was our next to last morning when the wife discovered the deep fried French toast. It was delightfully decadent used to sop up differently fruity syrupy concoctions. Lunch was lean at the buffet, we ate at the grill.
There are two grills open from late morning through early evening and offer the most satisfying food options. Although they don’t appear on the menus, both offer a big fried burger on a bun. They were perfect and once you factor in that you are eating it on a beach and not in a grimy sports bar, it suddenly becomes one of the best burgers out there. The Jerk chicken is as excellent as you expect, served with a big plate of fries and a spicy sauce. There are Tortilla chips and gooey cheese sauce to fight off the munchies, grilled cheese to settle the stomach after one two many Hummingbirds, and very tasty little meat pies. If you get the opportunity, try the spicy sauce on the meat pies nibbled off the neck of a Cavedweller, scrumptious!
The Japanese restaurant was the Wifey’s birthday dinner. It was our best dinner experience. More than acceptable sushi, tasty little tempura lumps, and a nice soup were all served up ahead of the grilled steak, chicken, shrimp and pork. The shrimp were succulent if maybe a little scarce. The steak, again, flavorful and tender. There might have been vegetables in there too but really, what is hedonistic about vegetables.
I would like to review the Italian restaurant. We heard nothing but good things, but we never managed to get there. Word on the strand is to try the filet.
The Piano Bar: I will get to the people section here in a minute but commenting on the piano bar it is necessary to say that the group in attendance the week we were there was the Cavedwellers. Formerly regulars of H3, the piano bar is their major pow-wow each evening. They made the piano bar the entertainment highlight of our trip. Dion was the best! We met up with a couple of these folks on their Cowboy and Indian night. Having brought a couple of floppy cowboy hats, we joined in. The Wife wore her little denim shorts and a bikini top and gave Jessica a run for her money as Daisy Duke. I threw on my traveling Jeans and hat and left the shirt at home. Dion jumped on this and between opening the night with me butchering “Country Boy” and then introducing me to the “fab” Winston, I made a name for myself for the week. 5 days in, new arrivals were greeting me by name. As god takes care of fools and drunks, I was pleased to play the foolish drunk and relax content in his guardianship. By the end of the week, we found sitting outside under the tiki masks a perfect way to warm up for the Jacuzzi. Sooner or later I will find out what Denise was doing on the roof.
The Disco: The disco was possibly our only disappointment. Hot, crowded, loud, difficult to get a drink, and worst of all, smelly, our two adventures into the disco lasted a combined 9 minutes. We might have had more fun had we toughed it out a little longer, but the nude Jacuzzi was calling and we were willing so we left the disco to the younger pruder crowd.
Late night at the nude spa: Um, No comment. That had to be the OTHER Woody.
Extras: We had plans for a couple of excursions. A snorkel trip, Wife wanted to spa, we were interested in the zip line tour. In the end, all we managed to get out and do was the catamaran cruise to Rick’s to watch the cliff divers. We’ve heard Rick’s café is on the list of 100 things to do before you die. Been there, done that, got the shirt. Try the boneless buffalo fingers. Maybe not as good as the ones at our local watering hole but quite yummy.
Its not that we didn’t want to get off campus for the different little trips, reports from other folks were that they were all excellent. Our issue was mostly the weather. Monday, we had no sun at all, every other day all week there was a good heavy rain from about 2:00 to 4:00. Hailing from sunny Arizona, we were in the minority who were happy as can be to lug our lazy half drunken bodies out of the pool each afternoon to waste away a couple of hours “napping” with each other, listening to the rain.
PDA's:I keep getting asked, so I will add it... Yes, there are PDA's. no doubt about it. A little touching and groping around the pool all day, there will be oral sex of both kinds and its even possible there will be more. At night, but the nude spa, anything goes! I have a feeling what groups are at the club any given week will drive how much and what types of sex you will see. If you or your spouse will be offended by watching two people you probably didnt want to see naked in the firt place get frisky, than i would skip hedo all together for another resort. Really, after the initial shock the first day, you just kind of go about your business. I found i would look up, think "oh my" to myself and go back to reading my book.
The one thing I can guarantee you is that you will not have any pressure what-so-ever to participate. Its odd to think that you will walk up to naked people and then sit there and talk about digital cameras more than sex but that is what happens.
Now, if someone walks up, talks digital cameras for a while, then starts asking if you have any fantasies you would like to live out, well, then its entirely up to you. A quick, "Oh my! we're not up for anything like that!" and they will go back to talking about cameras. Tell them what your fantasies are, and you have a heck of an opportunity to live something out that you might never have thought possible.
What happens at hedo, stays at hedo!
The People: this could really be its own post I suppose, but it would be unfair to describe our trip without mentioning this great bunch of folks. I raise a virtual toast to the Cavedwellers. Mostly from the south, they brought in folks from as far away as England. They were always willing to let us tag along. This was precisely why we chose Hedo. We’ve been talking about our return trip since the second day we got there and the idea that we will be able to hit the club next year with some friendly faces makes it all that much harder to look at the stupid countdown clock with 360 days to go. We lift our glasses to the Goddess, a marvelous woman deserving all praise.
I also have to give a shout out to the 4Hedonism site. If you are planning on going, check the calendar, make sure you have your dates on there, and shoot a note to the folks that will be there the same time as you. Our first afternoon, we stumbled into the folks from Austin we had exchanged a few notes with. We hung out with them all week. It was great to have some old hands and some other curious virgins to pal around with all week. I know we missed a couple of you, it can be a wild and crazy week, but it was great to hit the ground and say “hi, how ya doin’.”
Walk down the beach and pass Beaches and Couples and maybe you will see a younger, prettier crowd, but take a second look. They travel in twos and you will be lucky to see even the twos talking to one another. At the end of your walk you will come to the little point that marks the end of Hedo2. You will hear the giggling as you get close. Everyone is open and friendly and mingling. Detractors will scare you away by telling you about the crazy old naked people. I will fess right up and say I am proud to be a crazy ol’ naked person! I will take that over the grumpy old pretty people on our bus headed for Grand Lido!
So, with a little experience under our belt, a little advice for the Newbies, and potentials out there that might read out report.
If you still haven’t decided if it’s for you…
DO go to Hedo if you are looking for a different, exciting, one of a kind adventure for you and your significant other.
DO NOT go to Hedo if the idea of looking up from your book and catching two mid-fifties in flagrante dilecto will cause you to toss your cookies
DO go to Hedo if you can take things as they come, shrug off an afternoon thunderstorm, and grin like a fool with whatever life throws you, even if it’s a flamboyant lounge singer.
DO NOT go to Hedo if you use the word appalling to describe a Luby’s Buffet.
DO go to Hedo if you are desperately in need of letting go the trials and tribulations of daily life for a week.
DO NOT go to Hedo if you have ever complained about the service at the Four Seasons, or even the service at the Days Inn.
DO go to Hedo if you are an open and honest, funny and flirty couple looking to meet some other crazy folks just like yourself.
DO NOT go to Hedo if it is your last dying chance to get laid. It isn’t about that and you will be disappointed.
If the trip is bought and paid for…
DO take along a small water proof bag with a shoulder strap large enough to hold your suntan lotions, smokes, books, and most basic provisions.
DO NOT skip nap time!
DO try a dirty banana, a humming bird, a Woo Hoo, and a shot of rum cream.
DO pace yourself, 7 days could kill a man.
DO NOT sit on the bus at the potty break on the way there.
DO get naked as soon as possible.
DO NOT worry about a scar, a mole, a roll of fat, cellulite, a little thingy, a huge thingy, or any other flaw you obsess about when you look in the mirror. Rule of thumb, no matter how hot you think you are, there is someone hotter, no matter how hideous you think you are, there is someone uglier.
DO get out there, swim up to the naked people around you and say hi. They won’t bite, without permission.
DO NOT worry about horny swingers propositioning you. They aren’t like that. (haha, I said they)
DO plan to want your significant other more than you have in years.
DO NOT worry. All your fears will slip away as you slip naked into the pool, rum drink in hand.
And last but not least….
No matter what…
DO NOT yell “What’s that!?!” at the nude pool… EVER!
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Next Trip: Hedo II, 7/23 to 7/30, 2016
Originally Posted by woodylynn
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