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Thread: The Joke Thread

  1. #1
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    The Joke Thread

    Not to take away from jwell100's "Tell your Hedo Joke's thread", as I believe it's geared towards jokes involving Hedo, nekkidness, sex, and generally loose morals ( Hey jwell100, it's a great thread ) . If you haven't been there, give it a read and add your own. http://www.4hedonism.com/forums/showthread.php?t=2667

    I thought I'd start an official joke thread, if I'm allowed to call it that. 1 thing I would ask from everyone is that anything having pertaining to jwell100's thread be posted there. Anything else, just post it here.

    That being said, I think I'll start off by typing a fart joke,,,,,,,,,,


    A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

    This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

    They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

    The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

    It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

    Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

    The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

    A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

    This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

    The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

    Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.

    She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

    Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, ' Skippy, get away from her, before she craps on you!'
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  2. #2
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A Frenchman who was staying at a hotel in New York phoned room service and asked for some pepper.

    "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge

    "Toilet pepper", came the reply.
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  3. #3
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, still wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. Upon arrival he gave her a warm hug and a passionate kiss.....and again bestowed a hug & a kiss upon leaving.

    The lady in the next bed, who had just been admitted, spoke up and said..."Boy, your pastor is sure friendler than mine."
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  4. #4
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    For all those men who say "why buy the whole cow when you can get the milk for free"................a lot of women have a retort...... : "Why buy the whole pig just to get a little sausage..."
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  5. #5
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

    "What are you doing ?" She asked.

    "Hunting flies" He responded.

    "Oh...killing any ?"

    "Yep.....three males, two females." He answered.

    Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"

    He replied, "Three were on a beer can, and two were on the phone."
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  6. #6
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    halloween

    Q. Why can't the skeleton have any children...?

    A. Because he has a hollowennie.

    ~

    Q. Why did the boy & girl vampires break up?

    A. They realized that their love was in vein.

    ~

    What is a vampire's favorite breed of dog........a bloodhound.
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  7. #7
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, Pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
    The Abbot says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son". So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
    Eventually the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" In a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate, not celibate!"
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  8. #8
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    You're an 80's child if,,,,,,




    1. You consider Ocean Pacific a designer label.


    2. You thought the Stray Cats were bringing guitars back to rock 'n' roll.


    3. You thought the lead singer of Poison was hot ... until you realized she was a he.


    4. You still get the shakes when you remember Apple Macintosh's 1984 advertisement.


    5. You preferred Van Hagar to Van Halen.


    6. You thought George Michael was straight.


    7. You had just discovered this great new singer called Tina Turner.


    8. You owned a home Beta video recorder.


    9. The Day After gave you nightmares.


    10. Your favorite G.I. Joe figure was Snake Eyes.


    11. You wondered what Lisa Bonet was doing married to that loser Lenny Kravitz.


    12. You never figured out who the crooks were on Murder She Wrote.


    13. You believed The Last Temptation of Christ was going to send Martin Scorsese to hell.


    14. You regard Look Who's Talking as a turning point in John Travolta's career.


    15. You admired Bill Cosby's taste in sweaters in The Cosby Show.


    16. You didn't realize The Official Preppy Handbook was a gag.
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  9. #9
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
    2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

    3. The difference between the Pope and your boss....the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

    4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

    5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

    6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice?....Well, it really chilled her mood.

    7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, fuel costs, etc.

    8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

    9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

    10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.

    11. I'm so depressed. My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

    12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said," Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

    13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

    14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  10. #10
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Question:
    You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
    Liberal Answer:
    Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

    Conservative Answer:
    BANG!

    Texan's Answer:
    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed)
    Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
    Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."
    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
    Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy!
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  11. #11
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    I think I posted this in the other thread at some point, but it's worthy of mention here too,,,,

    So there's this blonde trying to pass the time by doing a jigsaw puzzle before her husband gets home - works on it for a couple of hours and pretty much gets nowhere with it. Husband walks in about 6:30 and says "hey hon, whatcha doing"? "I've been trying to do this jigsaw puzzle of a tiger, but I can't figure it out to save my life". The husband walks over to help her, stares down at the box for a second, calmly helps his wife to her feet,hugs her warmly and says "I love you sweetie, now let's put the Frosted Flakes back in the box".
    -Kelley hangs his head in shame as he calmly WALKS ON DOWN THE HALL.
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  12. #12
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A plane is on it's way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

    The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

    The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

    The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

    The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

    The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

    The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

    "I told her, First Class isn't going to Houston.
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  13. #13
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A firefighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
    The firefighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire-truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
    "Thanks," the girl says.

    The firefighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

    "Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

    The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but... then I wouldn't have a siren.
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  14. #14
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A firefighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
    The firefighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire-truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
    "Thanks," the girl says.

    The firefighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

    "Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

    The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but... then I wouldn't have a siren.
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  15. #15
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    LITTLE Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
    "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

    The wolf jumps up and runs away.

    Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

    "My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

    Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

    About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

    "My what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf."

    With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a dump!"
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

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