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Thread: The Joke Thread

  1. #16
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "two prostitutes-$50.00." A policeman seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying "Jesus Saves." One of the girls asked the officer, How come you don't stop them?...well, thats a little different the officer smiled. Their sign pertains to religion.
    So the two ladies of the night frowned, as they took their sign down and drove off.
    ...the following day.....

    The same police officer was in the area when he noticed the two ladies
    driving around with a large sign on their car again...figuring he had a easy arrest he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read...

    Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter-$50.00
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  2. #17
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave. Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been
    in a whorehouse," The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  3. #18
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A husband is 77 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and could not see any one . He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again, "Pick me up," He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog. The husband said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up and kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and will give you the most wonderful sexual pleasures that you have ever dreamed of." The husband looked at the frog for a short time and then reached over and picked it up carefully, placing it in his front breast pocket.. Then the frog said, "What are you nuts, didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Naah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  4. #19
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Little Jimmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little fellow was doing, he politely asked,"What are you up to there, Jimmy?" "My goldfish died", replied Jimmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him."
    The neighbor was concerned, "That's a mighty big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Jimmy patted down the last heap of dirt, then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  5. #20
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind him, "My
    elbow hurts like everything, I guess I better see a doctor."
    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies.
    There
    is a
    diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and
    the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It
    takes
    ten seconds and cost ten dollars..... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
    So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
    He
    deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
    sample.
    He pours the urine sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,
    the
    computer ejects a printout:
    You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
    activity, it will improve in about two weeks.
    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob
    began
    wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed up some tap water, a stool sample fromhis dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some
    water out of his favorite fishing hole for good measure. Bob hurries
    back to
    Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in
    his
    concoction, and waits...The computer prints out the following:
    1. Your tap water is too hard, Get a water softener.
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don't stop fishing, your elbow will never get better!

    And, as always, Thank You for shopping at Wal-Mart
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  6. #21
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A Southern Nativity Scene:
    In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.
    One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
    At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
    She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
    I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
    She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

    Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar'.
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  7. #22
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A striking red head paid a visit to her doctor, complaining of pain whenever she touched any part of her body.
    She put her finger to her head.."Ouch!" she said.
    She then touched her elbow.."Ouch" she exclaimed again.
    Then she put her finger on her knee.."Ouch, Ouch" she cried in pain.
    The doctor advised that he would take a series of x-rays to try to determine the problem.
    When he had finished studying the xrays, the doctor called the woman back in for a consultation.
    "You are not a natural red head, are you?" said the doc.
    "Why, no I'm not," said the woman. "I'm actually a natural blond....how did you know?"
    Doc: "You have a broken finger"

    That's my last one for awhile.

    Next,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  8. #23
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    The year is 2222 and Mike and Margaret land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

    They meet a Martian couple Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

    Finally, Margaret brings up the subject of sex.

    'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Margaret.

    The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

    A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another...

    Margaret and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

    'I don't think this is going to work,' says Margaret.

    'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

    'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

    'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

    With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

    'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

    'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

    'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

    The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.

    As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

    'I hate to say it,' says Margaret, 'but it was wonderful.

    How about you?'

    'It was horrible,' he replies.

    'All I got was a headache.

    She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  9. #24
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    Did you hear about the 2 lesbians who were building a house?


    They didn't use any studs ... and it was all tongue in groove.

  10. #25
    Registered User ScubaSteve's Avatar
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    With St Patrics day coming...

    1. Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

    Paddy says, "Well the joke's on them, ‘cos Oi wasn't even at home yesterday."




    2. Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor.
    Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what’re ye doing?"

    Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been gettin’ on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended Oi do something sexy to attracter.....”




    3. Paddy says to Mick, “Oi'm ready for a holiday, only this year Oi'm going to do it a bit different.
    T’ree years ago Oi went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago
    Oi went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year Oi went to Majorca and
    Mary got pregnant.”

    Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?”

    Paddy replies, “Oi'll take her wit’ me!”




    5. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

    Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."




    6. Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.
    Mick:"What if one explodes, before we get there?"

    Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."



    7. Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him, "Did you find the shampoo?"

    Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and Oi’ve just feckin’ wet mine."








    No offfense to our Irish friends.
    Cheers,
    ScubaSteve Video

    Rule #1) Never argue with an idiot. They pull you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

  11. #26
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Bump!
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  12. #27
    Registered User popatop's Avatar
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    Short Christmas story

    Jimmy and Candi were in a local shopping center just before Christmas. Candi suddenly noticed that Jimmy was missing and, because they had a lot of shopping for grandchildren, she called him on his cell phone. Candi said with some irritation, “Jimmy, where are you? You know that we have lots to do."

    Jimmy said softly, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into the first year we were married and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

    Little tears started to flow down Candi's cheek. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.


    "Well, I'm in the Hooters next to that."
    Couples, San Souci- August, 2016
    Hedo II - August, 2017
    Couples, Negril- August, 2018 including 2 day passes to Hedo

  13. #28
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    The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word?" Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." Saturday says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

    Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

    "No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."

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