Tell your Hedo jokes!!

[Kelley]

Subject: Quick Thinking

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he
settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his
seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,
"Business trip or vacation?"

She turned and smiled and said, "Business. I'm going
to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he
had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of
nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to
debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that
American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native
American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that French men are the best lovers, when it is actually men of Jewish
descent. And we have discovered that the best potential lover in all
categories is the Southern redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and
blushed, "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with
you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

[Kelley]

Piper McKay is sitting with his Pastor chatting, and confesses; "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Pastor.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive, that looked like it was going to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway, and then fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?" asked the Pastor.
"No, Father," says McKay. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Pastor again.
"Well, no." says Piper McKay. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Pastor.
"No, Father. Oh no, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the Pastor.
"Oh no, Father. My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about SIX inches from the hole."
The two of them were silent for a moment.
Then the Pastor sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?

[Kelley]

A man gets invited to a costume party but people have to go dressed as an emotion. One of his friends paints himself green and calls himself "Envy". The other paints himself Red - "Anger".

"Lame!" the man thinks but he can't think of any better emotion to use.
Weeks go by - still no idea. He's wrecking his brains at this point, being desperate for an idea.

Suddenly, hours before the party he comes up with the perfect costume and gets ready for the party..

He knocks on the door, his friends open to find him: stark naked with a pear stuck on the end of his dick!!
"What emotion are you supposed to be??"

The man answers "I'm fuckin' despair".

[Kelley]

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

[Kelley]

Tools and their REAL uses

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Usually mounted on a bench grinder.
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, "Yeow shit...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters. The tool most often used by women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
? socket you've been searching for, over the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within
the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a
source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to
strip out Phillips screw heads. Novices excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed
air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that
grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by
someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to
quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Non tool-using folk primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is
also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Kelley]

A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went to the local brothel and demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the house.

"That'll be Mary," said the madam. "Go to Room Four, and I'll send her up."

"Fine, "said the lumberjack," and tell her to bring a couple of beers."

In due time, Mary appeared. She put the two bottles of beer on the floor, took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her pussy.

"No! No!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In the bed, the old-fashioned way!"

"Sure, pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya might want to open them beers first."

[Kelley]

An old drinking buddy told me this one,,,,,,

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

ROTFLMAO.

Enough for now, Later folks.

[jwell100]

> Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
>
> One of them said, "I'm the best Surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.
>
> The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics.
>
> "The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's running for President!
>

[Kelley]

Told to a friend of mine -

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"!

I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[Kelley]

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching t.v. as ususal. I hadn't gone more than 100 yards down the road when my engine conked outand the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes! He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear in high-heel shooes, and he was wearing my make-up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?


Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Lusk



Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. IF it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.


Walter.

[Kelley]

A Hedo couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small
sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a
Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!'

So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, 'I have some special sandals I
tink you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at sex.

'The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband
felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband
asked the shopkeeper, 'How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?

'The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting
cept try dem on.

'So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and
tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto h is feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the
blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over
a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a
firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You
got dem on da wrong feet! Mon, you got dem on da wrong feet!'.

[Kelley]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!"

[Kelley]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[jwell100]

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,











every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

[vader7071]

An old woman got this parrot from a pet store. The owner warned this god-fearing, lovely woman that the previous owner was a "derilict" (to say it nicely). He wanted to let her know that the bird had a real foul mouth.

She assured the pet store owner thet she could handle it.

She gets the bird home, and it starts into it. "Hey old fucker, get me some goddamned bird seed, you cunt." She was astonished, but believed that she could overcome his foult language. "No. You do not get any birdseed unitl you ask politely."

"Ok, May I please have some birdseed?"

"yes, thank you."

"Fucking cunt."

Enraged with his attitude, she grabs the bird and throws him into the freezer thinking it would "cool" him down.

Well, she forgets about the bird for about 4 hrs, and RUSHES back tot he freezer. She opens the door and the parrot walks forward and says:

"Ma'am. Please forgive me for my foul language. I was unaware what pain it was causing you and I have seen the error in my ways. I ask humbly that you please forgive me, and allow me a second change to show you that I can be a well behaved bird."

Astonished that it worked, she brought him out, and he politely asked for some food, and she graceously gave him some.

While he was eating, he looked over at her, and asked "Ma'am, if I may please ask, what did the chicken do?"