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Thread: Tell your Hedo jokes!!

  1. #61
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    "NSFW" - Not Safe for Work

    Quote Originally Posted by JAnewbies View Post
    An out of work piano player applies for a job one day at a local lounge. The manager asks what type of songs do you play, to which he replies, all originals, I write my own stuff.

    The manager says well, let's here what ya got. The man starts playing and the most beautiful melody begins to rise from the piano. The manager, highly impressed at what he hears, stops the man and says "what do you call this one"... the man says "this one's called, grab her by the hair and shove your dick in her mouth"... Shocked, the manager says, "how bout we hear a different song"...

    The man begins to play another equally beautful song. The manager is just amazed at how great this man is and while he is wondering how such a talent is unemployed, he stops him again and asks, "what's the name of this one"... The man replies, "Oh, this one is called "spin her around and fuck her from behind"... The manager just about loses it. He says I'll tell you what sonny... I like your sound and it's obvious that you have talent, so I'm gonna give you the job on one condition... and that condition is that you keep your titles a secret and not tell anyone. The man agrees and starts that night.

    That night, as passeby's here the music from the street and wander in, the place is suddenly at full capacity and the tip jar is overflowing. After about an hour of playing, he stands up and announces to the crowd, "folks, I'm gonna take a quick break and I'll be back in 5 minutes." He makes his way to the bathroom and after releiving himself, he turns and starts to leave the bathroom. A guest entering the bathroom as he is leaving stops him and politely says' "hey buddy, do you know your fly's unzipped and your cock's hanging out"???

    A huge smile comes across the man's face as he excitedly replies... KNOW IT... I WROTE IT!!!
    Here's the way I heard it,,,,,,

    An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

    "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.

    "Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wank hole please you cunt", he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs.

    "Can I help you sir?", the manager says.

    "Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker."

    The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.

    At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?"

    "That song, you big nosed twat, was called 'Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunt is blind' ..."

    "Oh", says the manager, "Err, can you play me another. Something a little less 'lively'?"

    "Wanker..", interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.

    "That little number was called 'Sometimes when you do a bird up the shit box you get crap on your bell end'."

    "I see", says the manager, "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?"

    "Well there's my jazz number called 'Do you want me to split your ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I don't care if you're older my dear, you've sstill got nice jugs'."

    "Look", says the manager interrupting, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little 'racy'. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience."

    "Fuck it", says the pianist, "Why not?".

    On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

    Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.

    "Hi", she says, "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?"


    "Know it?!?", says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, "I fucking wrote it !!!"
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  2. #62
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken Stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

    "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

    "Who was that?" asked his wife.

    "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

    "Did you help him?" she asks.

    "No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

    "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

    The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

    "Yes" comes back the answer.

    "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

    "Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.

    "Where are you?" asks the husband.

    "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  3. #63
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life --until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...nothing... only bananas and coconuts.

    After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

    "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

    "Amazing,' he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

    "Oh, this?' replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches. And the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

    "But, but, that's impossible,' stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

    "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.

    After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"

    "No, no, thank you.' he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "How about a Pina Colada?"

    Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,

    "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

    No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "Wow! This woman is amazing!" he muses, "What next?"

    When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stares into his eyes.

    He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean---", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my email?!"
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  4. #64
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

    "Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home"

    "Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

    When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

    After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

    The pub landlord looked over and said,"Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

    The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."

    The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  5. #65
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz.

    The bartender says "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it?"

    The man says, "I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks.

    The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks."

    "You don't understand;" says the man, "Chunks is my dog."
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  6. #66
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.

    He says, "I'm Jesus Christ!!!"

    The first priest says, "No, son, you're not."

    So the drunk staggers over to the second priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ!!!"

    The second priest also says, "No, son, you're not."

    The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it."

    He walks back into the bar with the two priests.

    The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  7. #67
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A cowboy rides into town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and dog under the shade of a tree and goes into the bar for a cold beer. About twenty minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The cowboy tells him that its his. The policeman says, "Your dog is in heat."

    The cowboy answers, "No way the dog's in heat; he's cool cause he's tied under the shade of the tree."

    The policeman says, "No! you don't understand, your dog needs to be bred."

    The cowboy shakes his head and says, "No way dog needs bread, he's not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning."

    The policeman finally gets mad and says, "Look, your dog wants to have sex."

    The cowboy looks at him and says, "Go ahead; I always wanted a policedog!"
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  8. #68
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

    A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar.

    The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

    The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

    The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  9. #69
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    I'm a Georgia redneck, and I approve of this joke,,,,,,



    Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
    their faces.

    The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

    Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart
    failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

    "Second body: "Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

    The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

    "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy Bob Earl, the Redneck from Georgia, 30, struck by lightning."

    "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

    "Thought he was having his picture taken."
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  10. #70
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
    And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
    Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze.
    Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

    You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
    You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
    Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
    Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

    You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
    I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
    On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
    Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

    Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
    What I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
    Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
    To patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

    Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
    You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
    Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
    You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

    When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
    My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
    Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
    Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

    Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
    We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
    Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
    They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

    Some men git roses on that special day
    From the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive," I say.
    Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
    "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

    But for this man, honey, these won't do.
    Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
    I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
    More useful than diamonds......IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  11. #71
    Registered User 55chevy's Avatar
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    Subject: My Living Will

    Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said
    to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
    machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
    plug."
    She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

    She's such a bitch.....

  12. #72
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    A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

    Passenger: "Who?"

    Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

    Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

    Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

    Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.

    Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

    Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

    Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

    Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

    Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank... I just married his fucking widow."

  13. #73
    Registered User JAnewbies's Avatar
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    LMAO, LMAO, LMAO... THAT was a good one...


    Is your glass "half full," or "half empty"... At Hedo, who cares... go ahead and fill it up every time you're near the bar...

  14. #74
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JAnewbies View Post
    LMAO, LMAO, LMAO... THAT was a good one...

    X2, LOL
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  15. #75
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Dearest Redneck Son (or daughter),

    I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Tennessee family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

    This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

    The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

    About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

    Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

    Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

    Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

    Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

    There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

    Your Favorite Aunt,

    Mom
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

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