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Thread: Tell your Hedo jokes!!

  1. #46
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Uh, dont kill me,,,,,,,,,,

    1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

    2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

    3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:" A beer please, and one for the road."

    6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

    7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green,Green Grass of Home.'

    “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

    8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

    "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

    9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

    10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

    11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

    The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

    13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

    14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!".

    16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

    After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.

    Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

    18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;

    they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she

    also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

    19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him

    rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....

    A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

    No pun in ten did.
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  2. #47
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above da bed in ecstacy."

    The Frenchman replies. "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

    The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin' the ol' lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my wiener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling.
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  3. #48
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
    The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

    The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

    So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"

    The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.

    "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

    The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

    The lion answers, "That little fucker! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  4. #49
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active

    10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

    9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

    8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture burn."

    7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

    6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

    5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

    4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.

    3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of the May issue of Hustler.

    2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

    1. Craft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  5. #50
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Manofthecloth, here's one for ya,,,,,

    You Know You Attend A Redneck Church When...

    The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

    People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

    When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

    Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

    A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive Ford truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

    The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

    Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.

    In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

    There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

    Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

    High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

    People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

    The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

    The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo) from Bill Miller's Barbecue.

    The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

    Amen
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  6. #51
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A friend of mine has a Golden Retriever & he was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind him asked if he had a dog. (?) Duh.... Here's your sign Lady!!

    On impulse, he told her that No, he was starting The Purina Diet again, "although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time... but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I woke up in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms."

    He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete, so he was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

    Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned to end up in the hospital like that. He told her "No, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me." He told me he thought the big guy was going to have to stagger out the door he was laughing so hard.
    Last edited by Kelley; 09-23-2007 at 02:07 PM. Reason: text
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  7. #52
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Thank you, thank you, I'll be here until I'm kicked out.
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  8. #53
    Registered User Rebelwolf's Avatar
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    Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!"

    Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

    Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"

    Sally replied, "No... salty!"
    Dave and Carolyn Jamaica Gemini's
    Because everyone has a naughty twin that comes out to play at Hedo!
    Oct 30th - Nov 7th 2009. Kink Week and Wild Women's Week.

  9. #54
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    A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.

    The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

    "I'll only marry you under three conditions."

    "Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

    "First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

    Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

    The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

    "Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

    The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

    The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

    "Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."

    A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said . . . .








    , "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

  10. #55
    Registered User Lorili's Avatar
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    What does a woman do with her Asshole before having sex?











    Drops him off at work!!
    Sorry Guys!!

  11. #56
    Registered User ManOfTheCloth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kelwa1 View Post
    Manofthecloth, here's one for ya,,,,,

    You Know You Attend A Redneck Church When...

    The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

    People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

    When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

    Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

    A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive Ford truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

    The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

    Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.

    In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

    There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

    Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

    High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

    People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

    The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

    The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo) from Bill Miller's Barbecue.

    The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

    Amen
    Thanks for posting. I love these. Here is another one.

    A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquires. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responds. The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

  12. #57
    Registered User 55chevy's Avatar
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    Do you guys know the difference between a prostitute and a crack dealer???





















    The prostitute washes her crack before she sells it - At least we would like to think so.

  13. #58
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    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

    "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

    Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

    Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"

    The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

    "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......





















    A r e- m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

  14. #59
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    Kink Week

    Here is a good one I found for Kink Week:


    A girl with a strap on dildo,
    Just gets me very hard
    Even if I totally know,
    That my ass will be scarred!

    They just look so damn fucking hot,
    At them, I'd make a pass
    Alas, I'd bend over a lot,
    And take it up the ass!

    I just can't seem to describe it,
    But visions of them rock!
    It may feel nice not sucking clit,
    But instead, sucking cock!

    My obsession with them does grow,
    Thus, I'm misunderstood
    Hence, am I a fag or homo...,
    If those girls, give me wood?!

  15. #60
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    And another

    I so wish a girl would grab my dick,
    And just hold on to it really tight
    For doing that won't make me feel sick,
    In fact, it would make me feel alright!

    And while her pretty hand was down there,
    I'd ask her if she would rub my balls
    I'd even pull down my underwear,
    Just so she'd suffer no obstacles!

    But the moment she'd let down her guard,
    I'd ask her to stroke my cock real slow
    And once it would get real nice and hard,
    I'd then ask her to give it a blow!

    But if this girl's a dominatrix,
    Then that would ruin all of my plans
    Because nothing good happens to dicks,
    When they get in a mistress's hands!

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