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Thread: Tell your Hedo jokes!!

  1. #31
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    What!!!! you are 51? you are full o shit!

    November 3-9th 2007 - 1st Trip - H3
    June 18-22nd 2008 - Starfish Trelawny
    June 3-7th - H3

  2. #32
    Registered User Juliegirl's Avatar
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    Love the jokes.
    Last edited by Juliegirl; 09-22-2007 at 09:07 PM.
    R and J

  3. #33
    Registered User Juliegirl's Avatar
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    Love the jokes.
    Last edited by Juliegirl; 09-22-2007 at 09:07 PM. Reason: Off topic. :)
    R and J

  4. #34
    Registered User JAnewbies's Avatar
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    Juliegirl... you are far from a ho.... and your body in incredible... Looking very forward to seeing it in person one day


    Is your glass "half full," or "half empty"... At Hedo, who cares... go ahead and fill it up every time you're near the bar...

  5. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Juliegirl View Post
    Ha ha. I really am. It shocks me sometimes, too. I have four kids. My face looks youngish I am told. I could send you a pic if you want. Just don't want my face plastered on this website. I am a professional. haha.
    4 kids wow, good for you. I know what you mean with faces being plastered. Don't worry you didn't sound like a "ho." lol

    November 3-9th 2007 - 1st Trip - H3
    June 18-22nd 2008 - Starfish Trelawny
    June 3-7th - H3

  6. #36
    Registered User Juliegirl's Avatar
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    Love the jokes.
    Last edited by Juliegirl; 09-22-2007 at 09:06 PM.
    R and J

  7. #37
    Registered User Juliegirl's Avatar
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    Talking

    Still lovin' the jokes. Let's get back on topic....
    Last edited by Juliegirl; 09-22-2007 at 09:08 PM.
    R and J

  8. #38
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    OK, back on topic.

    I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
    reasons:

    1. I do physical labor.
    2. I work at great depths.
    3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
    4. I do not get weekends or holidays off.
    5. I work in a damp environment.
    6. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
    7. I work in high temperatures.
    8. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

    Sincerely,
    The Penis


    Dear Penis,

    After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have
    raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
    reasons:

    1. You do not work eight hours straight.
    2. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
    3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
    4. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
    other locations.
    5. You do not take initiative.
    6. You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
    7. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
    8. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
    wearing protective clothing.
    9. You will retire well before you are 65.
    10. You are unable to work double shifts.
    11. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
    completed the assigned task.

    And if that were not enough,
    12. You are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying
    two suspicious looking bags.

    Sincerely,
    The Management
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  9. #39
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze.

    Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret & the surgeon agreed.

    Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

    "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality & that the 1st rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The 2nd rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery & empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the 3rd rose?" she asked.


    "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his two new ears."
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  10. #40
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    An old farmer went to town to see a movie.

    The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

    The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. He goes wherever I go."

    "I'm sorry sir", said the ticket agent. "We cant allow animals in the theater."

    The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls.

    He returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.

    He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

    The movie started and the rooster began to squirm, so the old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

    "Marge," whispered Mildred.

    "What?", said Marge.

    "I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

    "What makes you think so?", asked Marge.

    "He undid his pants and has his thing out", whispered Mildred.

    "Dont worry about it," said Marge. "Hell, at our age, we've seen 'em all."

    "I thought so too", said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  11. #41
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    I will go down on you




    to make you




    EXTREMELY happy...




    but only long enough




    till you think its going to get even




    better...




    Then..




    I will come back up..






    and



    fuck you.





    Sincerely,
    Gas Prices
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  12. #42
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    THE JAR



    A Texan walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and
    sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

    The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

    He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

    "Well, you pay ten dollars and, if you pass three tests, you get all the
    money."

    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.

    "What are the three tests?

    "Pay first," says the bartender. "Those are the rules."

    So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

    "OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do: First you have to
    drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila... the whole thing, all at
    once... and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit
    bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the
    tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year-old woman upstairs
    who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make
    things right for her."

    The man is stunned.

    "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You
    have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those
    other things..."

    "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

    As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks

    "Where's zat teeqeelah?"

    He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
    Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

    Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon all
    the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
    They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping
    and then.... silence.

    Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into
    the bar, with his shirt ripped and large, bloody scratches all over his
    body.

    "Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  13. #43
    Registered User sluggo and tay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kelwa1 View Post
    A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze.

    Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret & the surgeon agreed.

    Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

    "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality & that the 1st rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The 2nd rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery & empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the 3rd rose?" she asked.


    "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his two new ears."
    LMAO!!!
    Excuse me while I whip this out.

  14. #44
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    Talking

    You have to think back many years ago :

    A little boy was going up and down the side walk, one leg in his wagon and the other pushing it along. He kept making a sound like a siren. A little girl came out and asked him what he was doing.

    He said I am a policeman. She asked if she could ride with him and he said yes. She sat in the wagon behind him.

    In a little while she told him she had to pee/ He stopped and she went behind a bush and pulled down her panties to pee. She looked and he was peeping through the bushes.

    She said do you want to see "it". He shook his head yes. She said do you want to touch "it". Again he was excited and shook his head yes.

    Then she said do you want to kiss "it". He said " Oh no, I am not a real policeman".

  15. #45
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Subject: Nursing Home humor

    Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge
    around
    the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel
    and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
    Because the poor woman was a few fries short of a happy meal, the other
    residents tolerated her and some of them actually
    joined in.
    One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
    Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
    "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that
    thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat
    wrapper
    and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
    As
    she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold
    popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of
    insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and
    held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
    As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front
    of
    her, Butt- Naked, and holding his penis in his hand.
    "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test
    again.!!!"
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

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