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Thread: Tell your Hedo jokes!!

  1. #16
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
    He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?"
    She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!"
    His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "No kidding?" he says. "Are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and jammed a cucumber up my ass?!"
    "Um, no", she replied coldly, "I'm your son's English teacher".....
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  2. #17
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

    "Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

    "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

    "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
    just once for $10,000 dollars?"

    She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

    So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

    The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

    "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  3. #18
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Juan is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. Juan is stunned.

    The Genie says,"Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

    Juan begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally he says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

    The Genie grants him his wish.

    When Juan gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

    Juan yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"

    She comes running down the hall, and Juan takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it, it is tequila.

    Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted.

    The two drank and partied all night.

    The next night Juan comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

    Finally Friday night comes and Juan comes home from work and tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

    Juan begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

    Juan raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  4. #19
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    **Long Post**

    I took this from one of the Volkswagen forum sites I frequent - originally posted by "Myolbug". It's a bit long, sorry.

    A Texas Chilli Contest
    Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out there's no
    hope for you!

    Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
    first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
    For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
    actually have a chilli cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
    takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.
    The notes are from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank, who was
    visiting from Springfield, Illinois.

    Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli
    cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
    the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
    judges (native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and,
    besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
    accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
    Chilli # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chilli...
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried
    paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope
    that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

    Chilli # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chilli...
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
    give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
    the look on my face.

    Chilli # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli...
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
    Judge # 2 -- A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
    I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
    beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
    the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

    Chilli # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or
    other mild foods; not much of a chilli.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
    standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.woman is starting to look
    HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

    Chilli # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I
    can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli
    had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
    beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
    It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
    Screw those rednecks.

    Chilli # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
    Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
    spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
    Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
    eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I
    need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

    Chilli # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chilli...
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
    about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing
    uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
    it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid
    unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
    least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
    breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
    I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chilli # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chilli...
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold,
    but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild, nor
    hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed
    out, fell over, and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure
    if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
    hot chilli?
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  5. #20
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

    All of a sudden.....POOF ! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.......As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!"

    Then POOF!......she was gone!

    After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

    Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussywillows."

    Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING!!!"
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  6. #21
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Ok, last one from me for awhile,,,, gotta give other folks a chance,,,,I realize my posts are not hedo jokes, so,,,,, It's not a total hijack if we still post regular jokes, is it?

    Here,,,,, we,,,,, go.

    Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you
    sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of
    these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

    Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about
    yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness
    and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about
    anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and
    with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that
    prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and
    awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many
    talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with
    Tequila .

    ***DISCLAIMER***
    Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing
    should not use Tequila . However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or
    becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include
    dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of
    motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
    delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth,
    and a desire to sing karaoke and play all-night rounds of strip poker,
    truth or dare, and naked twister.
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  7. #22
    Registered User Imanda's Avatar
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    During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
    manners,asked her students the following question:

    'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

    Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'

    The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
    'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

    Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

    'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'
    'And you, little Eddie, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

    'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

    The teacher fainted

  8. #23
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    A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35, " was the reply. "I'm actually 47, " the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "














    I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

  9. #24
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    There was a deaf couple who decided they needed a way to let each other know when they wanted to have sex. They couldn't use sign language because it was too dark in their bedroom. The deaf women signs to her husband and says, when you want to have sex, just grab my right boob once, when you don't want to have sex, grab my right boob twice. The deaf man agrees and signs back to her and says, when you want to have sex with me, pull on my penis once, when you don't want to have sex with me, pull on my penis 50 times.

  10. #25
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    Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God", said the queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explained, "I am sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll become swollen. "Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical problem existed." On the same floor, they soon passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex. "Oh my God", said the queen, "what's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, . . . . .














    "Same problem, better health plan."

  11. #26
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    Why is three putting (Golf) like masturbating? You're never very proud of it, but you know you'll do it again!!!

  12. #27
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    Okay I know I have said this before, but I WAS LAUGHING MY ASS OFF READING THIS, THIS IS SOME FUNNY SHIT!!!

    November 3-9th 2007 - 1st Trip - H3
    June 18-22nd 2008 - Starfish Trelawny
    June 3-7th - H3

  13. #28
    Registered User Juliegirl's Avatar
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    Me, too, Dulce. I laughed 'till I was crying practically at the Texas Chilli judging story. I lived in Texas for 13 years. Perty darn funny stuff!
    R and J

  14. #29
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    OMG Julie, nice avatar, jesus christ. . . . sorry I couldn't help it.

    November 3-9th 2007 - 1st Trip - H3
    June 18-22nd 2008 - Starfish Trelawny
    June 3-7th - H3

  15. #30
    Registered User Juliegirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dulcecorazon26 View Post
    OMG Julie, nice avatar, jesus christ. . . . sorry I couldn't help it.
    Wow, haha! Thanks very much.
    Last edited by Juliegirl; 09-22-2007 at 09:09 PM.
    R and J

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