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Thread: Tell your Hedo jokes!!

  1. #241
    Registered User weliveinvegas's Avatar
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    Thumbs up

    Quote Originally Posted by BYQSASHA View Post
    while meetn newfriends on vac a man told joke couldn't forget, 5 secrets u a perfect relationship:

    1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.

    2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

    3. It's important to have a woman you can trust and would never lie.

    4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.

    5. It's absolutely fucking vital that these four women don't know each other
    lol...I think I saw this applied on Snapped yesterday, sadly, he failed at #5 and ended up in the trunk...


    Ivy and Rick
    "Once you go, you will know"

    Ivy and Rick
    "AWOL 2016, Let's Get Together"
    www.awoltravelgroup.com

    Next Trip: Hedo II, 7/23 to 7/30, 2016

  2. #242
    Registered User EastWest's Avatar
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    Redacted
    Last edited by EastWest; 06-22-2012 at 12:31 AM. Reason: appeared too far from original posting to make sense in original form.
    ****************************
    Cheers,

    D & L


    July 2009: Hedonism III
    July 2011: Hedonism II

    http://69eastwest69.tumblr.com

  3. #243
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EastWest View Post
    Kelly, the one about the $10 wager and the pit-bull - classic LMFAO!!!
    Thanks, I'm here 357 days a year, and I've gathered quite a few more since my last post here.


    69 days, AARRGGHH!!!!
    Last edited by Kelley; 06-07-2009 at 10:15 PM.
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  4. #244
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    I am sure Paul will appreciate this. While teaching new recruits this was my beginning:

    I little boy 5 years old was going up and down in front of his house on the sidewalk in his little red wagon. He had one knee in his wagon and pumping with his other foot. He was making a siren sound.

    A little 5 year old girl next door came out and asked him what he was doing. He said I am a Policeman. She asked if she could ride. He told her to get in back of the wagon.

    He went up and down sidewalk for awhile and she said I have got to go pee. She went behind the bushes and peed. She looked and the little boy was peeping at her.

    She said do you want to see it? He said yes and she showed it to him. She said do you want to touch it and he said yes and touched it. She said do you want to kiss it?

    He said "OH NO, I AM NOT A REAL POLICEMAN".

  5. #245
    Registered User boondoggle1970's Avatar
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    Golf Humor

    While down in a Jamaica a golf loving lady decides to play a round of golf on her own. She plays the first hole just fine, get's past her first hole jitters and scores a bogey. While driving to the 2nd tee she's stung by a bee.

    Concerned she may require medical attention she races back to the clubhouse where she immediately encounters the Course Pro.

    "I just got stung by a bee between the first and second holes!" She exclaims.

    His immediate response:

    "Sounds like your stance it too wide."

  6. #246
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    The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

    Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: 'Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off '

    'Could you jack off?' she says......'I feel like shit.'

  7. #247
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Revenge of the Blondes

    A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

    One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

    'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

    The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

    Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

    The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

    'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

    Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

    The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

    'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

    ( It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  8. #248
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Jesse's girl

    Why Jesse Had to Change Hotels Last Week

    Last week Jesse checked into a hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. He thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. Jesse picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
    Jesse figured, what the heck, I'll give her a call.
    "Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
    Afraid he would lose his nerve if he hesitated, he rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
    "That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  9. #249
    Registered User shellysdoughboy's Avatar
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    The

    Pastor's Ass







    The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won..



    The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered

    it in the

    race again, and it won again.





    The local paper read:





    PASTOR'S

    ASS OUT FRONT.



    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of

    publicity that he ordered

    the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.







    The next day, the local paper head line

    read:







    BISHOP

    SCRATCHES

    PASTOR'S

    ASS.



    This was too much for the bishop, so

    he

    ordered the pastor to get

    rid of the donkey.





    The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a

    nearby convent.



    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following

    headline

    the next day:





    NUN

    HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.



    The bishop fainted.



    He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so

    she



    sold it to a farmer for

    $10.



    The next day the paper read:



    NUN PEDALS ASS FOR $10.



    This was too much for the bishop, so he

    ordered the nun to buy back

    the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run

    wild..



    The next day the headlines

    read:



    NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND

    FREE.



    The bishop was buried the next day.





    The moral of the story is .

    .. being

    concerned about public opinion

    can bring you much grief and misery

    . .

    even shorten your life.





    So be yourself and enjoy life.





    Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and

    you'll be a lot happier

    and live longer!



    Have a great

    day!!!!

    hope everyone gets a good laugh ......

  10. #250
    Registered User BigBlueNation's Avatar
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    which word doesn't belong

    Which 1 of the following 4 words don't belong in the group:
    eggs
    wife
    blowjob
    dick
















    Answer: Blowjob
    You can beat your eggs, your dick and even your wife but you can't beat a blowjob
    Naked people have nothing to hide.

  11. #251
    Registered User
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    A real cougar.
    Attached Images Attached Images

  12. #252
    Registered User EastWest's Avatar
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    Cool RE: Tell your Hedo jokes!!

    RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW

    1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat ass in a gym.
    2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
    3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
    4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
    5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
    6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
    7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
    8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
    9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
    10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
    11. Shopping is not a sport.
    12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
    13. You have enough clothes.
    14. You have too many shoes.
    15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
    16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
    17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
    18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
    19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
    20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
    21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
    22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
    23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
    24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
    25. Check your oil.
    26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
    27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
    28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
    29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
    30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
    31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
    32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
    33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
    34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
    35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
    36. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
    37. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
    38. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
    39. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
    40. Anyone can buy condoms.
    AND FINALLY,
    41. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

    (Source: http://www.blap.com/joke.php?query=10)
    ****************************
    Cheers,

    D & L


    July 2009: Hedonism III
    July 2011: Hedonism II

    http://69eastwest69.tumblr.com

  13. #253
    Registered User
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    I was in bed with a blind girl last night. She said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said





















    "You're pulling my leg"

  14. #254
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    What do women do sitting down, men do standing up and dog do on 3 legs?
    PEE?
    No, get your head out of the gutter, SHAKE HANDS.
    PeteHeat
    I'd rather laugh with the sinners, than cry with the saints.

  15. #255
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    On the hottest day of the year, a ice cream shop runs out of chocolate ice cream. Signs posted on the door and by the display where the chocolate ice cream should be and at the register, all read "OUT OF CHOCOLATE".
    Some wise guy comes in, fresh from a vacation to H2 and says. "I'll have a double scoop of chocolate ice cream on a cone."
    The teen aged workers says "sorry sir, but we are out of chocolate". Perturbed Hedo goer says, "Ok, how about a Banana split with two scoops of Chocolate"? "Sorry sir, but we are out of Chocolate and I have 3 questions for you, how do you spell the STRAW in Strawberry...S-T-R-A-W, 2nd question, How do you spell the VAN in Vanilla? V-A-N the man replies. The kid then asks, "How do you spell the FUCK, in Chocolate"? The wise, Hedo goer says outloud, "Their ain't no F-U-C-K in Chocolate. THATS WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, THEIR AIN'T NO FUCKIN' CHOCOLATE!
    PeteHeat
    I'd rather laugh with the sinners, than cry with the saints.

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