Tell your Hedo jokes!!

[snowfire]

A cowgirl walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters, though."

[snowfire]

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?

[snowfire]

One more..
A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says "I'll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it."

The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a $100.

[Kelley]

This was sent to me from my buddy Joe, in Atlanta. I have no idea who the
original author
is,,,,,

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!


When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes
about how
hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles
to
school every morning. Uphill... barefoot...

BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, There was no way in hell I
was
going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it And how
easy
they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of Thirty, I can't help but look
around and notice
the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my Childhood, you live in a damn
Utopia! And
I hate to say it but you kids today you Don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know
something, We
had to go to the damn library and Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write Somebody a letter, with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and
it would
take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to Steal music, you had to
hitchhike to the
damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day
to tape it off
the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!


We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you Were on the phone and
somebody else
called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID
either! When
the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, Your mom,
your
boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you Just didn't
know!!! You had to
pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video Games with high-resolution 3-D
graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! With games Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your
guy was a
little square! You Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no
multiple levels
or Screens, it was just one screen Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting Harder and harder and Faster
and
faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was On! You were
screwed
when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off Your ass and walk over to
the TV to
change the Channel and there was no
Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons On Saturday Morning. Do you
Hear
what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK For cartoons, you spoiled Little
rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat Something up we had to use
the
stove ... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids Today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted Five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

AARRGGHH!!!!

123 days til Gasparilla.

The rum is mine.

[jwell100]

This attached cartoon tells it all.

[Kelley]

Lmao.

[jwell100]

Another cartoon that accurately portrays the gov't bailout.

[VTXrider]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been with some one other than his wife and says, "Are you the lady from Hedo that I made love to at the hot pool with all my Hedo buddies watching while my wife whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, . . . I'm your son's teacher."

[55chevy]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

[jwell100]

A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs. The man shrugs it off...

The bartender looks at him and laughs again, the bartender finally went over to the man and said "I'm sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen."

The man replied by saying "I don’t think so. I can get any lady that I want."

The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titted blonde sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bets $50 that he couldn’t get the woman to even talk to him.

The ugly man agrees and says "I'll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her.

The bartender accepted.

The ugly man walked over, said 'Hi', the girl jumped into his arms, and they walked out the door.

The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, "Damn that sucks but what happened?"

The man replied with "I don’t know. He just stood there lickin his eyebrows."

[jwell100]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents"

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! ' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!

[jwell100]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? '

'No,' she replies. . .








'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[55chevy]

Happy Halloween


halloween.jpg

[jwell100]

*A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a
nearby well-to-do neighborhood.*

* *

*She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.*

* *

*'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, ''How
much will you charge me?'*

* *

*Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'*

* *

*The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
would need was in the garage.*

* *

*The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she
realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'*

* *

*He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'*

* *

*The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes *

*we've been getting by e-mail lately.'*

* *

*Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.*

* *

*'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.*

* *

*'Yes' the blonde replied 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats.'*

* *

*Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
to her along with a ten dollar tip.*

* *

*'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'*

[Kelley]

Happy Halloween


halloween.jpg

Right back atcha, brother.