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Thread: Tell your Hedo jokes!!

  1. #256
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    Well, my wife and I have been married for 20 years, and I have a few suggestions:

    We go out to a nice dinner twice a week. Have a drink, nice conversation and good companionship. I go on Tuesdays and she goes on Thursdays. (Do this)

    I asked her the other day what she wanted to do for our 21st anniversary. She said she wants to go somewhere she had not been in a long time. I suggested the kitchen. (Don't do this.)

    Then I was in bed the other night watching t.v. She came in, looking fabulous, and asked "what's on the television?' I said "dust." (Terrible answer that makes you afraid to go to bed.)

  2. #257
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    A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says










    "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

  3. #258
    Registered User ScubaSteve's Avatar
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    Happy St Patricks Day!!!

    A few Irish jokes to celebrate:








    Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?

    It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.



    __________________________________________________ ______



    It's Saint Patrick's day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland
    and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the
    loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's
    face.

    The Robber Shoots the Guy Without Hesitation!

    He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers
    is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.

    Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

    Did anyone else see my face?' screams the robber.

    There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down,
    tentatively raises his hand and says, 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse.'



    __________________________________________________ _________





    An Englishman, A Scotsman and an Irishman enter a pub and each orders a pint. Three
    flies separately land into each of the pints siting in front of the three men. The
    Englishman is disgusted and pushes the beer aside. The Scotsman picks the fly out of
    his beer and proceeds to down the pint. The Irishman grabs the fly and begins to
    squeeze it, yelling, "Spit out! Spit it out!"



    __________________________________________________ ____________--



    Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy
    loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
    Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing
    up.

    Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's
    wife. Who will it be?'

    They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet,
    be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

    'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me
    middle name. Leave it to me.'

    Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers,
    and asks what he wants.

    Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home.'

    'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

    'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.



    __________________________________________________ ______________

    IRISH CONFESSION

    Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
    The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

    "Yes, Father, it is."

    "And, who was the woman you were with?"

    "I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

    "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell
    me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

    "I cannot say."

    "Was it Patricia Kelly?"

    "I'll never tell."

    "Was it Liz Shannon?"

    "I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

    "Was it Cathy Morgan?"

    "My lips are sealed."

    "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

    "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
    Shaughnessy! and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
    You cannot attend Mass for three months. Be off with you now."

    Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
    "What'd you get?"

    "Three month's vacation and five good leads!"





    Cheers,
    (PS. Hope this didnt offend anyone)
    Last edited by ScubaSteve; 03-17-2012 at 02:19 PM.
    ScubaSteve Video

    Rule #1) Never argue with an idiot. They pull you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

  4. #259
    Registered User phillygirl22's Avatar
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    Hee Hee! The last one was new to me! Thanks

  5. #260
    Registered User keystone's Avatar
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    Thanks Scuba Steve.. I laughed ay all of them !


    Back again !
    Hedo 2 6-16-25 2017with The Hedo Rockers !
    Group Info
    www.wildwomenvacations.com
    www.hedorockers.com
    Hedo Amigo's 3 -11-18 2017 !
    Hero Amigo Lite 9-30-10-7-2017 !
    NYE's 2017 .. 12-25-30 !

  6. #261
    Registered User L&I's Avatar
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    "I even accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to encouraged." Justice Antonin Scalia......

    There, got it from the highest court in the land - it's cool!!!

  7. #262
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    Little Johnny is sitting in class and the teacher asks " There are ten crows sitting on a wire, the farmer shoots one, how many are left" several children yell "nine" but Johnny shakes his head. The teacher asks johnny "what's the matter?" He replies "well there wouldn't be any left. When the gun went off all the rest would fly off." The teacher replies "Nine was the answer but I like the way you think."

    Johnny says I have a question for you " Three women are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream; the first bites the ice cream off the top eating it as fast as she can, the second licks the sides slowly not letting a drop fall and the third just licks the top. Which one is married?" The teacher gets red and flustered but she finally says "the second" Johnny smiles and says "The one with the wedding ring ....... but I like the way you think."

  8. #263
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    A man is shipwrecked with 6 beautiful models. naturally they immediately make sleeping arrangements. He will sleep wiyh a different girl each night and take sundays off. Well at first he's doing to or three a night and doesn't even bother with his sunday off but soon the pace begins to wear on our young stud and he starts looking forward to his sunday off. Soon he is living for that day off. One day he sees another lifeboat headed their way and as it pulls to shore he sees that there is only a single man in the boat. He begins to jump around crying out "dude you don't know how glad I am to see you!" The man looks him up and down and says "Oh my beautiful, I'm glad to see you TOO!!"

    Our young stud groans "Oh god there go my sundays"

  9. #264
    Registered User L&I's Avatar
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    Get the funny ball rolling today.....

    Attached Images Attached Images

  10. #265
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    bump!
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  11. #266
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    ROMANTIC TEXT
    An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
    One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
    The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  12. #267
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Reviving an old thread with a new post,
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  13. #268
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
    Arlene: What in the hell is that?
    Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
    Arlene: Where did you get it?
    Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
    The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
    announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
    The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
    'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
    The pharmacist fainted.
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  14. #269
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    Bump!
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

  15. #270
    Registered User Kelley's Avatar
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    "There's a big difference between the words, ‘naked’ and ‘nekkid.’ ‘Naked’ means you don't have any clothes on. ‘Nekkid’ means you don't have any clothes on - and you're up to something." - Lewis Grizzard
    "Pirates are crude, vile, highly
    offensive creatures who compensate for their lack of knowledge and manners
    with debauchery. Now everyone can stop with nicey, nicey and start being Pirates!!! AARRRGGGGHHH! !!!!"

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