Ground Rules

[Nogi]

My wife and I are going to Hedo for the first time the 1st week of Feb 2020. We've seen several trip reports advising couples to set ground rules before going. We would sure appreciate if someone could give us some examples of ground rules that worked well for them and other general advice on setting ground rules. Many thanks.

[toohorny]

Most people assume ground rules mean lifestyle stuff...so I will answer thinking that is what you mean.

First and most important, have an open an honest conversation before you go what you are both ok with. Once you figure that out, do not break your rules. At hedo you can change your rules, but we only if you both agree and only discuss when you are both sober and never in the heat of the moment. If you try something and one of you did not enjoy, do not do it again, but do not fret about it...you both agreed to try it.

Some rules we have seen them include no kissing, no penetration, no bi sex for both m and f, always play together or we only play solo, only single men or women or couples, only safe sex, only in there room or only ours. The lifestyle experience should fun, communication is key, talk and figure out what you may be interested in and set your rules that both are ok with.

Finally, both of you should have veto power. If one says no, then it is no.

[PNK]

My wife and I are going to Hedo for the first time the 1st week of Feb 2020. We've seen several trip reports advising couples to set ground rules before going. We would sure appreciate if someone could give us some examples of ground rules that worked well for them and other general advice on setting ground rules. Many thanks.

Above you'll find a good set of (for a better term) 'lifestyle rules'.

You might want to add some more 'who are we' rules. Decide ahead of the trip if you have to be welded at the hip to each other -- or can one go out on the boat while the other does yoga. Can one join in a volley ball game while the other takes a snooze. If it's an issue, who decides where and when to eat. And so on.

We like to do different things during the day, so we agree to it. That can bother some couples (especially the first time at a place like Hedo). Do you both have to be at a conversation with 'new friends'.

So my suggestion is: make sure you both know what you want, what you don't want, and what might make either of you feel uncomfortable.

Then simply have a wonderful vacation -- your vacation where you do what YOU want, not what other people think you should enjoy.

PNK
Hedo again, Nov 24 - Dec 1, 2019

[Nogi]

Very helpful. Thanks!

[Nogi]

Thanks for your thoughtful and useful thoughts.

[JuicyLucie]

Above you'll find a good set of (for a better term) 'lifestyle rules'.

You might want to add some more 'who are we' rules. Decide ahead of the trip if you have to be welded at the hip to each other -- or can one go out on the boat while the other does yoga. Can one join in a volley ball game while the other takes a snooze. If it's an issue, who decides where and when to eat. And so on.

We like to do different things during the day, so we agree to it. That can bother some couples (especially the first time at a place like Hedo). Do you both have to be at a conversation with 'new friends'.

So my suggestion is: make sure you both know what you want, what you don't want, and what might make either of you feel uncomfortable.

Then simply have a wonderful vacation -- your vacation where you do what YOU want, not what other people think you should enjoy.

PNK
Hedo again, Nov 24 - Dec 1, 2019

Very well put PNK! Keep them guessing I say....don't feel you have to answer to anyone except each other. Sure you should say "no" clearly to others invitations to join them in intimate activities if that is how one or both of you feel, but it is fun to be mysterious and be open to stepping outside of one's comfort zone even if only in your imagination. Thats what I love about Hedo....its perfectly okay to flirt outrageously ( for men and for women ) and then to say no to anything you do not feel comfortable with. That said, in our experience, the more you go to Hedo the easier it is to explore previously unknown possibilities.

[Edalexa315]

You have to keep you and your partner happy first and foremost, basically have a basic set of hard no’s and expectations from one another, we discuss what we call the “what if’s” because sometimes you find yourself in situations in the lifestyle, and you have to go over how you feel about these things ahead of time, genuinely if you’ve been in the lifestyle long enough the “what if’s” become less and less because you’ll know how your partner feels about it, but Hedo never seems to fail with providing eye opening wtf situations some good and some bad, have a signal/sign that your partner knows “hell no this is over” or “let’s discuss this in private”

[JonFrmBklyn]

The important thing is not which particular rules you have, but that you be clear about them and that they work for you. We have only 3, really: (1) no penetration without a barrier; (2) if one of us in playing in our room without the other, the other is free to enter the room at any time without knocking, although that doesn’t mean it’s OK for the other to join in any shenanigans that may be going on; and (3) keep each other posted on our plans, at least generally. We don’t have vetos, as such, but “I think that would be a bad idea” has basically the same effect.

These work for us. Your mileage almost certainly will vary.

[ShyinOntario]

Talking and setting limits/boundaries/rules is very good advice. But just remember that you need them because of your inexperience and what the purpose of those rules are.

The purpose of the rules is to prevent jealousy, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, drama, between you and your partner (also between you and other new friends). These rules aren't meant to limit the fun you can have... but they can sometimes do exactly that for the both of you if you're not careful when setting them.

Rules like no kissing on the lips or equal play type rules, seem like a good idea when you haven't been in that kind of environment, but they can be really limiting and prevent you from having fun, and conflict with their primary purpose... these types of rules can cause hurt feelings and drama between the two of you.

My advice is to keep your rules general and give yourself the freedom you need to have the fun you're looking for, or get out of a situation where you're not having fun. AND keep the list of rules short... it makes it easier to follow. Our list of rules is short...

1. We must communicate honestly and avoid telling each other what we think they want to hear. We aren't mind readers, so we must communicate honestly about how we feel if we expect each other to be able to act on that information.
2. We don't get mad at each other for feeling something. As much as these feelings or desires may be unpleasant or inconvenient... they are what they are and we've both agreed to tell each other how we feel.
3. When one of us gives the signal to bail, we do so without question or blame. We make our excuses to whoever we're with and go off to talk about what happened.
4. We forgive. We've been lucky so far as to not make too many missteps, but they are bound to happen and we've promised each other that we will forgive each other for mistakes made in good faith.

I hope this helps someone.

[2naughty]

Great advice given so far. The only other point I would add is to not shy away from letting other couples know your new to the lifestyle and curious. It will help avoid confusion and issues up front and most couples will be more than happy to give advice and slow the pace down. Things can happen quickly at hedo with the sexual atmosphere and alcohol in the mix. We have seen a few awkward moments or misunderstandings happen from time to time . Most important communicate with one another and have the best vacation of your lives.

[Riandsu]

And above all have a safety word...a guy starts creeping on the wife and she says it you know it's time to bail. "Pumpernickel" is taken, everything else is fair game.