New to the lifestyle

[anxioustotry]

My wife and I have been considering taking a trip to expose ourselves to the lifestyle and came across a trip to a resort in Montezuma Costa Rica being promoted by Exotic Travel Services Inc. We are hopeful that perhaps some of you may have had some experience with these people ar at least some knowledge about how legitimate they are before we consider booking with them. They have advised they are in no way associated with Exotic Travelers or Exotic Travel Club, which the research I have been able to do seems to confirm.

If you have any suggestions about getting started in the lifestyle we are open to receiving them

[Bend_cpl]

Hi three,

I did a lot of research on ETS regarding this same trip you mention. We decided to pull the trigger and did book a trip for November. We look at this way, worst case scenario we are still in Costa Rica... As far as intruduction to the lifestyle this may be a good event as it is a small resort with amazing reviews. As far as getting into the lifestyle. We can't really offer much. There definately isn't any real definitive guide. I would say after being in the lifestyle for a about a year (newbies ouselves) the thing we found most important is well defined rules and boundaries that are preset and fully agreed upon prior to play and then excessive attention to open communication between you and your partner.

[CoupleInMD]

Anxioustotry-

The Mrs. and I were where you are about two years ago. We were interested in the lifestyle, but wanted it at home as well as while on trips. Are you looking to engage in lifestyle activity in between vacations as well, or only while traveling?

I will echo what Bend_cpl said about starting with open, full, honest communication between you. You two should be able to share your desires, hopes, and fantasies, but also your concerns, fears, and insecurities. Great communication is like a vaccination against the potential problems that can befall a relationship when you invite others to have sex with you. It helps to build and maintain trust, shows that you two respect each other, and wards off any hints of jealousy that might otherwise creep in. Keep sharing your thoughts and feelings, check in with each other frequently, and you may find (as we did) that swinging brings you closer and strengthens your relationship!

As Bend_cpl said, one of the topic areas to talk about will be your rules, limits, and boundaries. Are you OK with having sex in the same room as others, but only with each other? Are you looking to soft swap (sexual play with others, but not including intercourse), or maybe go all the way to full swap (sexual play with others, including intercourse)? Are there any no-nos that you want to establish? For example (and I hope you don't adopt this one), some people have a no-kissing rule. Others may want to limit soft swap to "north of the waist", with only kissing and maybe breast-fondling between the couples, but no oral or manual genital touching between couples. Also, your limits should reflect the feelings of the less "out there" person- no one should be feeling rushed or pushed into doing things they are uncomfortable with. Whatever your rules, limits, and boundaries may be, it's best to talk it over beforehand (preferably when you two are dressed and sitting at the kitchen table, rather than naked, in bed, and breathing heavily!), agree on the shortest list that makes you both comfortable, and then resolve to stick to the list unless you two discuss changes first.

Having said that you should try to stick to your limits and boundaries, I also want to mention that people are only human, and sometimes we make mistakes. Although this is not desireable, it's possible that, somewhere in the heat of the moment, one of you might slip up and exceed a limit you have set for yourselves. This kind of slip-up must not be a marriage-threatening thing for you two! It's not right, and if it should happen, you should definitely be able to talk about it and hopefully fix things for next time. But this lifestyle must include a capacity for tolerance and forgiving. If your mind set is that breaking a rule during play is going to put a marriage at risk, then I would say that swinging might not be the best idea!

If you are looking to check out the lifestyle and meet people year-round, then I recommend that you sign yourselves up for one of the swinger sites that helps people to meet, like SLS, SDC, SZC, Kasidie, Quiver, or APG. Put up an interesting profile that tells people a bit about yourselves and what you are looking for, and include a couple of pictures (profiles with pictures get a lot more attention). Then you can poke around and see if there's anyone local you'd possibly like to meet, and drop them a note to say hello! You should also be able to find meet-and-greets in your area, where you can chat with many possible new friends at a bar, restaurant, or hotel. Finally, you can probably use your swinger site to look up lifestyle clubs near you.

Good luck, and I hope this rambling monologue helps!

[jshell]

From our perspective, (note: We are wanna be swingers looking to jump in after much discussion) swinging is about the thrill of the taboo. I (the male) am more excited to see her with another, than me being with another. That will provide many hot conversations when we have sex afterwards on our own. Be sure you are prepared to see each other with someone else and consider that rules and boundaries only set you up for problems, because without a doubt, someone will cross a line that you have drawn. And really, in the case of soft swap, once you have said it's OK to have oral sex with another, what are you really avoiding by taking full swap off the table? You are either in, or out in our opinion. Don't go to a theme park and make a rule that the roller coaster is off limits. AGAIN, just our opinion.

[anxioustotry]

Wow, some incredible thought put into these replies. Thank you all so much for taking the time to open up and provide you insight, it is very much appreciated. We particularly liked CoupleInMd's suggestion to have the discussion while dressed and at the kitchen table, good advice yet gave us a laugh as well cause it makes so much sense. I too (male) am like jshell in that I would get more excited to see her with another(s) and she is very bi-curious. There is a fair age difference between her (younger) and I and not sure how that would be received by others. Nonetheless, if we haven't waited too long we are going to book Costa Rica tonight through ETS and as Bend_cpl said, at the very least we will be in Costa Rica! Thanks you all again very much for taking the time to respond especially so in-depth and openly.

[Cdn_cpl]

Here's a cut and paste from a post I did about a year ago when the topic of being new to swinging was being discussed:

Some things to consider in no real order, definitely not a complete list but a good start....

-talk about why you want to do it. Is it to make up for something that might be missing in your relationship or to enhance an already great relationship?
-how will you know when one of you is interested in another person or couple? Some couples use a secret word, phrase, or gesture.
-will you play with singles or couples only?
-are there any activities that are off limits?
-do you think jealousy will be an issue? How will each of you react when your partner is attracted to someone else?
-will you play separately or only when together? Same room or different rooms?
-what about protection? Do you both agree that condoms are 100% mandatory?
-how far will you go? Petting and touching only, oral, or full swap?
-how do you think you'll react when you see your partner playing with another person?
-are either of you attracted to same sex playing? A large percentage of women in the lifestyle are bisexual but male/male play is definitely not common.
-what happens when one of you is attracted to a person or couple but the other isn't?
-agree to debrief after every date. Talk about what you liked or didn't like, what you would do differently the next time.
-what happens if one of you likes it and the other doesn't? Do you agree to walk away from the lifestyle completely if this becomes an issue?

Hope this helps. We've been doing this for about 10 years and still regularly have some of these conversations.

[anxioustotry]

Thanks Cdn_cpl, all very important questions to make sure we have a discussion about beforehand and, as recommended by CoupleInMd, while dressed and the kitchen table LOL! But our biggest concern is about protection, what about diseases, STD's - are condoms sufficient or are their other measures any of you use/recommend to be as safe as possible?

[Cdn_cpl]

IMHO, there's no protection that's 100% safe. When you swing you take a calculated risk. Oral without a condom is common among swingers but is definitely a risk and you have to decide if you're comfortable with that or not. We insist on condoms 100% of the time for penetration but are still aware that we're taking a chance, a small one maybe but still a chance. We don't stay awake at night worrying about it, the fun and pleasure we've had far outweigh that.

[anxioustotry]

Thanks for the honesty and openness Cdn_cpl. I agree, life in general is a risk and one must weigh the risk to the reward and I have to admit the rewards in the lifestyle are attractive enough to take on the risk as long as one is a careful as can be. Looking most forward to exploring this whole journey further, much further.

[CoupleInMD]

I agree with Cdn_cpl. Condoms are not completely effective for prevention of all STIs. It's not unprecedented, but I have rarely seen anyone using condoms for oral sex with a guy, and never seen anyone use a dental dam or female "condom" for oral.

My feeling is not unlike that of many others in the lifestyle. A certain increase in risk of STIs comes along with engaging in non-monogamous sex. For example, published statistics estimate that about one in six of people in the general population has HSV-2 (the genital herpes virus), and doesn't know it (by the way, I've gotta think the number is higher among the lifestyle population, but I have no numbers to back that up). Also, while we are tested regularly, we understand that not all STIs will show up in an STI test panel until possibly weeks or months after a person is infected. For those who are frightened by these realities, I suggest that they do not enter the lifestyle, as their tolerance for risk is too low for them to enjoy it. After all, the lowest risk option as far as STIs is concerned is to simply not engage in sex with others!

Our approach is to be safer where it makes sense, understand and acknowledge the risks, but don't let those risks stop us from participating in this lifestyle that has brought us more adventure, more good friends and good fun, and more connection to each other than anything we've done in years!

[HedoJoe]

If you are concerned about the risk of a disease, then stay out of it all together. We too, insist on condoms for intercourse but a disease can be contracted through oral. It can also be contracted, albeit very remotely, from a person playing with one woman and then with another woman. We do get tested on a regular basis but it is for our piece of mind alone. If someone tells you they can provide proof they were tested with negative results, take it with a grain of salt. A test is only good up until the time the blood was drawn and you walk out of the lab.

[Bend_cpl]

Hope you were able to book your trip. We are both excited about the trip and look forward to having a great time.

[soldier4402]

We are younger lets say less than 40, educated professionals, kids, etc. So maybe I can give you some advice that may help you out. We are new to the situation, maybe about a year in, and have played now about 6-8 times, usually about once a month.

First off its usually the guys idea just is, between liking to watch and wanting to get something different the man is usually more motivated. But to be honest I think more women are interested then would admit it, but its just taboo and not a womens thing to come out with it.

So I think if one partner is interested it might be helpful to drop the suggestion, talk about it casually etc. Maybe not go in length, just get it out there. Whether you get a negative or positive response, maybe just leave that conversation brief and let that nugget soak for a while. I can tell you from our experience I first brought it up to the wife who had a vanilla reaction, but the conversations started to pick up and get deeper. I think from the first time we talked about it till we first swapped it was about 8-9 months maybe more.

So my first suggestion is give it time, as motivated as one or both of you are, think it through, give it time at least a few months if not more.

Second, once both agree, you need to determine what some basic expectations and what you both want out of this. Is this something you want to do occasionally, just on trips, all the time, etc? Also how far do you want to go, soft swap(dancing, kissing, oral, general tom foolery), full swap(full oral, sex), can one of you go out on dates by themselves or have sex without the other present, does race matter, what about girl on girl or even guy on guy. I can tell you though if the girls are willing to play with each other a little bit, the experience will probably go better for all, and its a good ice breaker. The options are almost limitless on what people do out there, just look it up. Another big thing is anal, condom use, condom or no condom where is the man juice going, seems funny, but all things that can get somebody upset. Are you going to have sex in the same room, separate rooms, same bed, another biggy to talk about. You are probably better off having more rules to start and whittling back, because once something happens you cant call it back. With that said you don't want it to be so restrictive that nobody has fun.

For us we started with about 12 rules, some I wont mention due to being very personal and borderline would come off wrong. But the big ones were discreetness, transparency and honesty up front all the time, second was no anal, third was we wouldn't do anything with our play friend that we wouldn't do with each other, next was condom use, same room sex, no saying the dirty love word lol, lastly if the other did something that upset the other spouse, that was no freaking out, discuss it later. That's just some of the bigger ones. At first we also decided the first time was going to serve as a trial run and with whomever we did it with, we were going to make sure they knew this wasn't some commitment or long term investment.

We also decided this was not some free for all, as in do what you want when you want without the other present. I know some do it and not knocking it, but I think long term and general health of everybody involved it is just not a good idea. But after swapping once, we kind of threw out all the rules short of transparency and being discreet. We kind of came to the conclusion that we both were having sex with other people what are we holding back on or worrying about here. So when we set up a fun night, we both for the most part can do what we want. Within taste, we are both allowed to do what we want like I said, but its not excessive where its just all night in your face. We have found that this works for us, because this takes the pressure off of wondering if your spouse is getting mad or not, because your free to do what you want. And we ditched the condoms(see below for more info) wife and don't use them for us as theres precaution taken(we hope lol) and yes by using a condom you limit the chance of disease contraction and pregnancy. Kind of weird of another man cumming in her, but its sort of hot, but this kind of goes back to during play time do what you want have fun, shes taken it in the mouth and vagina(her choice with him now) and my partner and I like going inside but have done mouth and on tits and vagina. But between the oral, and swapping between spouses and play friends it really became a moot point to use condoms, between what were doing not sure anything is being prevented after 5 mins. This choice needs to be personal, and I would advise against going bare back with strangers. We started in the same room, but have since kind of moved to separate beds if in a hotel room, or if at home we set it up where we are in the same vicinity really close, but have our separate space. Things usually start out as a group, then people move out to get some space. Wife likes the group interaction including g on g, but for me personally I need my space after a while. But for us there is no over night stays or shes at his house and his girl is at mine. Again just seems like a long road to go down there. Again not knocking those who do that, but just seems to set a bad precedent. And we initially talked 3-4 times a year, but really is about a once a month, but its dependent, nothing is forced. Lastly to keep some sanctity theres a few tricks etc that we save for each other only.

Thirdly I think this needs to go back to the initial discussion. But do you want to swing with friends, strangers, sort of friends, etc? Each have their pros and cons. Strangers the positive is you dont necessarily have to see them again if things go bad, plus it might be fun to be spur of the moment. The cons you don't know them, whats their motivations, do they have something, they are doing behind your back that you may not like, again just because your a swinger doesn't make you a good person. With friends the positives are that you know them and hopefully have some trust. Knowing each other better will definitely give you a better experience. Chances of them being more honest with you on diseases is better, although nobody knows unless checked or knowing they have been monogamous really knows. The cons are you could make good friends that you had, turn in bad friends and have to flush them down the drain. I also think finding friends that are into this might be tougher as you are limiting your selection group. But over drinks one or both of you could sort of drop a nugget or joke or see what sort of reaction they give you, if they are into they will bite, if they aren't they still might bite later on. You would actually be surprised how many people have dabbled in this or at least thought about this. Not going to say everybody is doing it. We've come to find out that 2-3 couples we regular with have at some point engaged in this.

The wife and I struggled with this, the idea of doing one night stands or going out to the bar to find a couple just really didn't appeal to us. But at the same time finding friends that would be discreet and doing something intimate with close friends didn't really sound good either. By chance we had relatively new friends of a few years, and really nuggets were dropped by both sides and marinated for a while, and it worked. They had one experience in the past, and we had a experience of sorts I guess you could call it as well. One thing led to pictures(which recommend no face shots ever) which actually led to us four sitting down and talking about it and laying out the ground rules. For certain reasons both sides has been tested recently, which led to the no condom use. These people are great, relatively same social standing, same values, same interest etc. We have all agreed to be exclusive so to keep it easy, you want out fine, if you do something with another couple you have the respect to let the others know. So for us it works, theres no going out and searching, a few texts and a night is set up, with dinner, drinks going out, and knowing whats going to happen later, easy. Everybody is comfortable.

That's really the big advice I have, but heres to a few thoughts.

Jealousy. Its going to happen, it might not be a lot, it might be. It really might not be jealousy it might just be this feels weird. But the funny thing is and I think most would tell you, that watching your spouse is hot, it just is. But I think you can temper jealously by going through the first steps above and tempering expectations and feelings, and or if you do tell your spouse you didn't like this or that, or just being flat out with them. To be honest with you between us two I don't think there was much, but there was this thought of what if she is better than me etc. But I think it came down to for us, is understanding the situation for what is was, and eliminating the rules so everybody felt guilt free. Also hey reality is the other women might have fake big tits, or the dude a huge hog leg in his pants, just might, and that's something you will have to get over with. And reality if you really love your spouse, as hot and cool as your play friend is, nobody will ever be your spouse.

Another piece of advice to go with the above is who you pick to play with. For starters if you and your wife aren't both interested in your partners, its not going to be enjoyable, just wont. Now going the random route, you may have no choice. Or physically you might be interested but that person just doesn't sexually do it for you. I think its also important to keep things relative to remove jealously, by this I mean stay within your price range. If your wife is a chevy , don't go searching for the Ferrari, and vice versa, naturally people attract to like physical niceties or oddities, just the way it is so it may not be hard.

For the dude this may seem all cool to do somebody else or watch the wife. And excuse my vulgarity here. But this isn't porn on a tv its real, and the other dude might be cool or a best friend. But hes a dude, hes going to get his dick sucked, hes going to grab her tits, bang her, cum in her, on her, they will make out, and probably talk dirty back and forth. so just think about it a min. Hes going to use it just like you do.

Lastly DO NOT do this in order save your relationship, just wont work. You need have something strong going on. Spice it up sure, that's what we did and works great. Lets be honest you can love your spouse all you want, but lets be frank the same thing gets a little old, and this helps. In a controlled environment and with mutual understanding it can(sounds weird) but actually make your relationship better, it did for us. Ill say it up again, forget who its with, the most important thing is going to be transparency, truth, and honesty, and youll be fine. And stay within set limits, but don't make them so hard and don't get bent if somebody has an oops.

[soldier4402]

sorry for being long winded, but I really found it hard when we did research to really find some good advice. Lots of it out there, and some good and some bad. But really all I ever found was setting rules and boundries. We were looking for more, we weren't looking to just go out half cocked, and we were very picky. Not as in who we were with, but I guess the situation. We are professionals with good jobs, looking for like minded people, that wanted fun on the side but also had jobs, kids, community etc to worry about.

Feel free to hit me up with anything.