Hello everyone
Me and my partner have been together for just under a year now and recently started talking about fantasies.
We seem to be very different as she is very protective of me yet I trust her completely
We recently went on holiday and I was so turned on by the fact of seeing others looking at her as she walked down the beach to the sea and I told her this and she is not used to having a bf who feels like this and takes it as I don't care about her?
It's sad that people are conditioned to equate jealousy with love and a lack of jealousy as a lack of love. Trust is key ingredient in lasting love. The level of trust that the love is solid and won't be compromised by any other person or activity needs to be in place before a couple can even think about involving others in play. It can take years for that level of trust to develop.
Personally, I wouldn't even date someone who had a problem with me looking at others. I find excessive jealousy really unappealing and a bit controlling.* It's unrealistic and so limiting in a world full of beauty to only have eyes for your partner for the rest of your lives. But everyone is different and I suppose there are people out there who really do only have eyes for their partners. Of course if my love ONLY had eyes for others THAT would be a BIG problem.
*I don't mean to suggest that is your situation. Your situation actually sounds fairly typical. I'm just making a general statement about my way of being.
Last edited by cinnamonflixxx; 09-01-2015 at 08:35 AM.
Well putOriginally Posted by cinnamonflixxx
I don't see where "trust" or you not caring comes into play with you liking people admiring your gf. You see their attention strictly as a confirmation to you that you have a gf worth looking at. I'd be much more disappointed if my girl walked the beach unnoticed. Ask her if she'd rather you get mad about it and you two having an argument about it every time.
Also, I don't see where trust comes into play as cinnamon mentions, in playing with others. If a couple is engaged in sex with another couple, where does trust come in? Trust is believing that nothing is going on behind anyone's back, not consensual sex while side by side each other.
I have to respectfully disagree, there's a huge amount of trust required between couples when it comes to playing with others. You're giving up your partner to another person and there's lots of dynamics in play. You have to trust that they will keep to the established rules, you have to trust that they won't like sex with that person better than you, you have to trust that your relationship is solid enough to handle it, and much more. Well established swinging couples have these things worked out in advance (hopefully!) and that helps build the trust required but if that trust isn't there it can be a recipe for disaster.
In the OP's case it would look like his gf doesn't trust him to involve others, even if it's just looking and appreciating at this point. Lots of conversation is required to get past this point before trying to take it any further.
Am I missing something? The guy reflects back to his partner that he was turned on by others noticing her. And she gets mad or upset (which I acknowledge is a plausible reaction and one that should be recognized). How is trust involved here? What I see is just two people that disagree on how to react to others noticing their partner. I am coming down to agreeing with Cdn_cpl's last sentence, "Lots of conversation is required to get past this point before trying to take it any further."
This is the type of reply I was hoping for. I knew I would have to elaborate on what I said, but wasn't sure how, so I waited for a reply. My meaning of trust was general. If your doing something with someone together, to me no one is sneaking around. That's the position I was taking.
As far as trusting that rules are followed, I can see that one but, you're still (assuming it's a same room situation) with them and only an idiot would break a rule right in front of you.
Trusting they won't like sex with someone else better, I can't see at all. They can't control how much they like something with you, or someone else. That's like saying they can't be with someone they find more attractive than you. That kind of restriction is impossible to manage.
I think when you play with other couples, you've pretty much committed to going "all in" and other than oral only, no anal, etc... it would be hard to have any expectations of limits.
Yeah I didn't think it had much to do with trust either but I did want to give alternate viewpoint to jshell's comment.
Semantics maybe but he does say in his orginal post that she is very protective of him (lack of trust?) but he trusts her completely.
I suppose the OP's wife's feeling "protective," of her man is one matter and her translating his admiration of the stares of other men as him not caring is a seperate matter.
That protectiveness could translate into her not trusting the intentions of other women towards her man.
When I referred to trust I meant it in many respects pertaining to this issue. For one, in order to even admit to finding someone else attractive it takes trust that your partner can handle it and isn't going to flip out. Some couples just don't talk about finding other people attractive and try and make it seem like they don't look. Others will say, "I'm allowed to look but no touching!" But perhaps I am assuming that he is into looking at others because of his apparent open mindedness but in fact he may only be into having others look at her so maybe this paragraph isn't relevant.
Another issue of trust that I was referring to was her trusting his feelings towards her and that his enjoyment of her being stared at was purely a positive thing and not a sign of his lack of caring.
So, to be clear, my use of the word trust has nothing to do with cheating as some of the other posters seemed to interpret from my comment.
Asmith, the situation may feel awkward but really your responses are both normal. Perhaps in time she will see that your enjoyment of having her sexy self stared at by others is not a sign of your lack of caring rather, a sign of your appreciation of her hotness!
Last edited by cinnamonflixxx; 09-01-2015 at 01:43 PM.
Hey, if you meant me, I didn't see your post about trust meaning cheating. I think some of you are just better at expressing your thoughts than me. No offense meant by my statements.
Sometimes I'm not concise enough. :-p
sorry i see people taking my question in different ways
yes i completely agree with the trust and not hiding anything from each other, yes we have spoke and she does understand where i am coming from and has happily offered to wear the bear minimum on the beach in future to help me get turned on more.
i actually have never thought of sharing my partner at all but she recently told me on numerous occasions about her having dreams of playing with other women and i just threw it out there that id be turned on watching her be pleased by another woman, but she took it as i want to perv over the other woman and didn't understand that the actual turn on is watching and hearing my partner receive pleasure from a woman who i thought she wanted as she told me about these dreams a couple times haha
yes i completely agree "Lots of conversation is required to get past this point before trying to take it any further."
we actually were looking for a short holiday away were we can be naughty on the beach at night or near a pool but without the worry of upsetting people or kids around etc so we are currently looking for places in Europe to have a nice week away that have more secluded beaches rather than your typical mainstream beach thats fully open and kids entertainment on at night
I always think trust is super relevant to this stuff but maybe the issue is less about her trusting his caring towards her and more about her not being used to guys that aren't super possessive/jealous.
Or maybe it's not an issue at all :-) now that I've read your response, Asmith. I'm pleased to hear she is going to indulge you in wearing the bare minimum...
Say, I know a place where you can wear nothing at all :-p :-)
Last edited by cinnamonflixxx; 09-01-2015 at 02:14 PM.
haha any recommendations on places would be great
ye i think her previous partner was super possessive where i am older than her by a few years(25 and 20) so i feel if i can trust her then i have nothing to worry about
I was just like her when I was her age! Thinking about bi-stuff but not totally secure and thinking that he might be more interested in looking at the other girl...It wasn't until my man and I were together for about 5 years before I stopped being jealous of his pervy- eyes. Well it helps that I'm a perv myself :-)
If you are already slowly and respectfully expanding your horizons, that is fantastic! Not that you need to become swingers or anything. It's just nice to be able to share fantasies and come up with new ones without causing insecurity to each other.
I was going to recommend one of the Couples Resorts as they have a seperate nude beach to try out and you can always stay on the clothed side if she's uncomfortable. My spouse and I dipped our toes in by going to a nude resort (Hidden Beach) where no sexual activity of any kind is allowed in public. We were too chicken to go to Hedo at first. However we're glad we went to Hedonism II eventually. Now it's the only resort we go to. Hedo is the most fun! Really it's awesome but she would need to feel comfortable with open sex happening on the nude side. No need to participate, of course. We felt like we were among the youngest going in our early 30s. Given your age, I would suggest going with Young Swingers Week (they have 3 weeks a year now)so that you will be guaranteed to meet other people your age. You don't have to be a swinger couple to join.
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