Boundaries, Rules & Signals with your SO

**jshell** · 08-06-2015, 08:44 AM

I think and hope what cowgirl meant and could have better said is that the girls will almost always be more particular than us guys so their input is going to be more necessary to make sure all are in agreement. Guys are usually more gung ho for anything and may accept a situation sooner than the girl is ready.

**Danny Boy** · 08-06-2015, 01:26 PM

Originally Posted by jshell

I think and hope what cowgirl meant and could have better said is that the girls will almost always be more particular than us guys so their input is going to be more necessary to make sure all are in agreement. Guys are usually more gung ho for anything and may accept a situation sooner than the girl is ready.

Ditto what Jshell said. I think Cowgirl was just referring to the generalities of the sexes.

**happy2us** · 08-06-2015, 07:40 PM

Originally Posted by Danny Boy

Ditto what Jshell said. I think Cowgirl was just referring to the generalities of the sexes.

That's the way we read it. I don't think she meant that all men are pigs. Maybe that all men CAN be pigs AT TIMES? LOL (just kidding!!!)

**cowgirl** · 08-06-2015, 09:33 PM

Yes, I was talking about the sexes in general, not hating on men.

**cowgirl** · 08-06-2015, 09:57 PM

Originally Posted by Cdn_cpl

WTF? Seriously? At first I though you were kidding but realised you weren't as I read on. I don't know who you're married to but in our relationship, including swinging, it's 50/50 and we decide together what we're going to do, no one person is in charge. Isn't this the whole point of having the types of conversations we're talking about? Your comments reflect a "men are pigs" attitude that has no place in swinging.

Wow! I am sorry if I was mis-understood. In our relationship, we are 100% equal, and we make decisions together on everything in our life. I have never been accused of "acting like all men are pigs". And I DO NOT believe men are pigs.
I was referring to many situations where we have been misled by the man, only to have the woman explode later on in the evening. Obviously, this shows that THEIR relationship is out of balance, since the men are crossing lines that their women do not want to cross. I will give you some examples: one man (out of earshot of his wife) told us they wanted to join us in the playroom at Desire for full-swap. Later, as playtime progressed, and Cowboy said he was getting up to get a condom, she freaked and said "why would we need a condom? We only do soft swap." She walked out and playtime was over. HER husband had to have known this ahead of time but didn't care about her rules and told us differently, thus ruining our evening. Another time, with another couple, we swapped and were playing on two beds that were side by side. The guy was having a hard time staying hard enough to put on a condom. Finally, he whispered to me that we didn't have to use them. It was dark and his wife and my cowboy were playing on the other bed. I said okay and I gave him oral until he was hard. Just as I was climbing on, the wife looked over and realized the lack of condoms. She freaked and started screaming at ME! We have also had times where I have offered anal sex to a guy and their wives get all stressed because they aren't into that, or because they assume my man will force them to do it because I was (which he would never do).
Needless to say, we have learned our lesson!
YOU may not think women are in charge in the Lifestyle, CdnCple, but they ARE, and you as a man, CANNOT change that. After 10 years in the lifestyle, we have found that men are way more willing, especially when drunk, to break rules/cross boundaries that they had previously set up with their wives about swinging. This doesn't mean that they are pigs, just that their sexual drive/urges kick in and they are very excited and tend to "forget" the boundaries.
We have had several experiences where a guy asks us to help their wives get drunk enough to swap, which is disgusting! They are ones that have no place in the Lifestyle. They obviously don't care about their spouses and they shouldn't be swinging at all. We have never had a woman ask us to help her man get drunk enough to swap!!!
This is why I insist on getting the rules from the wife. I don't want any more Drama in my life.
I went back and reread my original post to see where your comments were coming from. I agree that I sounded a bit negative in my post about "taking one for the team" so I will try to clarify. When we first started swinging, we rarely hooked up because I was NOT attracted to most of the men. We were amazed at the number of hot, sexy women who arrived on the arms of ugly, out of shape men. After awhile, my hubby said that maybe I was being too picky. That I wasn't choosing a lifelong mate, just a partner to play with. So I tried to swing with some guys I wasn't interested in to please my man. But during our post-play discussions, I was communicating my frustrations and even said that I was done. Luckily, we have started finding couples that we both find attractive and feel a chemistry with. This means we can BOTH look forward to our occasional play dates. Now that we have found a few couples that we really enjoy spending time with, are attracted to and can set up dates with, we aren't willing to lower our standards just to find someone to swing with.
Everyone obviously has different requirements about who they want to swing with. We are not judging others, just saying that if we are not physically attracted to you, then we just want to be friends, not friends with benefits.

**Ready4Anything** · 08-07-2015, 03:02 PM

We plan to have this convo on the 3.5 hour flight from BWI to MBJ and possibly offend fellow passengers

**happy2us** · 08-07-2015, 03:26 PM

Originally Posted by cowgirl

We have had several experiences where a guy asks us to help their wives get drunk enough to swap, which is disgusting! They are ones that have no place in the Lifestyle.

We'd go a step further and say that guy has no place in a relationship. He's the proverbial pig!

**cowgirl** · 08-07-2015, 04:01 PM

Originally Posted by Ready4Anything

We plan to have this convo on the 3.5 hour flight from BWI to MBJ and possibly offend fellow passengers

Let us know if you have any other questions! We are happy to help! When are you going to Hedo?

**cowgirl** · 08-07-2015, 04:22 PM

Originally Posted by happy2us

We'd go a step further and say that guy has no place in a relationship. He's the proverbial pig!

Unfortunately Happy2us, there ARE some men who "talk" their women into the lifestyle so that they (the men) can sleep around. One couple would come to house parties we attended. He would be very attentive to her at first, constantly fetching her drinks and seemed sweet. However, she didn't drink much usually, so by the third drink, she was drunk. He would find her a comfy couch, and she would pass out drunk. He would spend the rest of the night playing with other couples. The second time, he gave her so many drinks, she was pulking all over the hotel suite before she passed out. The suite had been rented by the host Couple. She never swung and had no idea what was up. After attending a couple of these parties, I finally caught on and totally lit into the guy in front of his wife at the next party. He insisted that she "was" interested in becoming a swinger, that she was just taking it slow. But she was seriously naive and was extremely upset when she was told what he was up to while she was passed out drunk. She was crying hysterically and ended up taking a taxi home because he refused to leave the party. We actually stopped attending this groups parties after that because I couldn't believe that no one was sticking up for her and that they even wanted him to attend. (His large dick is what got him invitations of course!) and no, we never played with him, because at the time, we only played with couples, and his wife was "always too drunk"!
So yes, unfortunately, there are some guys in the lifestyle that "are pigs" but luckily, they are outnumbered by the great guys!

**cinnamonflixxx** · 08-08-2015, 09:26 AM

Originally Posted by cowgirl

Unfortunately Happy2us, there ARE some men who "talk" their women into the lifestyle so that they (the men) can sleep around. One couple would come to house parties we attended. He would be very attentive to her at first, constantly fetching her drinks and seemed sweet. However, she didn't drink much usually, so by the third drink, she was drunk. He would find her a comfy couch, and she would pass out drunk. He would spend the rest of the night playing with other couples. The second time, he gave her so many drinks, she was pulking all over the hotel suite before she passed out. The suite had been rented by the host Couple. She never swung and had no idea what was up. After attending a couple of these parties, I finally caught on and totally lit into the guy in front of his wife at the next party. He insisted that she "was" interested in becoming a swinger, that she was just taking it slow. But she was seriously naive and was extremely upset when she was told what he was up to while she was passed out drunk. She was crying hysterically and ended up taking a taxi home because he refused to leave the party. We actually stopped attending this groups parties after that because I couldn't believe that no one was sticking up for her and that they even wanted him to attend. (His large dick is what got him invitations of course!) and no, we never played with him, because at the time, we only played with couples, and his wife was "always too drunk"!
So yes, unfortunately, there are some guys in the lifestyle that "are pigs" but luckily, they are outnumbered by the great guys!

Wow. I guess any given group of people has its underbelly members. I can't believe so many people condoned that guy's behaviour. Well I guess this example just goes to show that swingers are not a homogenous group and you can find all sorts of ethical codes, or lack thereof, amongst a large group of swingers.
I am grateful to have spent time with swingers who have healthy attitudes and relationships. While my experiences have been few and limited, they have been positive. Happy to keep it that way.
It doesn't matter how physically attractive people are if they are pushy and aren't genuinely interested in having an experience that is enjoyable and desired by all involved. At least as far as I'm concerned.

**happy2us** · 08-08-2015, 03:36 PM

Originally Posted by cowgirl

Unfortunately Happy2us, there ARE some men who "talk" their women into the lifestyle so that they (the men) can sleep around. One couple would come to house parties we attended. He would be very attentive to her at first, constantly fetching her drinks and seemed sweet. However, she didn't drink much usually, so by the third drink, she was drunk. He would find her a comfy couch, and she would pass out drunk. He would spend the rest of the night playing with other couples. The second time, he gave her so many drinks, she was pulking all over the hotel suite before she passed out. The suite had been rented by the host Couple. She never swung and had no idea what was up. After attending a couple of these parties, I finally caught on and totally lit into the guy in front of his wife at the next party. He insisted that she "was" interested in becoming a swinger, that she was just taking it slow. But she was seriously naive and was extremely upset when she was told what he was up to while she was passed out drunk. She was crying hysterically and ended up taking a taxi home because he refused to leave the party. We actually stopped attending this groups parties after that because I couldn't believe that no one was sticking up for her and that they even wanted him to attend. (His large dick is what got him invitations of course!) and no, we never played with him, because at the time, we only played with couples, and his wife was "always too drunk"!
So yes, unfortunately, there are some guys in the lifestyle that "are pigs" but luckily, they are outnumbered by the great guys!

Crazy story, sad really. I'm surprised a couple like that would be wanted at a party regardless of equipment size. On the rare occasion that we play, we would both have to like both of the couple to feel any chemistry or connection. It all starts there but we realize that's not the case for everyone, no "1 size fits all" to coin a phrase.

**barefootgirl197** · 08-08-2015, 04:28 PM

You know she did have a choice not to drink so much or to be such a weak female. Sounds like the "pig" had a "pig" for a spouse. Birds of a feather.

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**jshell** · 08-08-2015, 05:25 PM

Just like in abusive relationships, there is a choice to stay, or leave. The consequences can't be evaluated by strangers, because they are not in the situation, but in general, it sounds as if she was manipulated. Bad relationships exist and while we want to help, we usually can't.

**cowgirl** · 08-08-2015, 06:14 PM

Originally Posted by barefootgirl197

You know she did have a choice not to drink so much or to be such a weak female. Sounds like the "pig" had a "pig" for a spouse. Birds of a feather.

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Seriously? You are correct that she shouldn't have drunk so much, especially since she wasn't a practiced drinker.
But it is not fair to call her "a weak female". The group only allowed couples to attend, which is why we tried it out. She was his pass into the party. Then he quickly got her drunk during the early socializing hour so that he could move past her objections and have sex with others without her permission.
That is not weak of her, it is weak of him. She is not the one to blame in this situation. He is not a swinger, he is a cheater. To us, swinging is about couples mutually agreeing to play with others. Unfortunately, there were other people at the party that didn't care about her anymore than her husband did and didn't stick up for her. That is why didn't go back to the group.

**sexylady** · 08-08-2015, 11:24 PM

We keep it simple. He calls it the 'Fuck My Wife Club'. Only rule is he is always present and watching. He joins in if the visiting party asks him in, otherwise we have a romp as an after play. Once we are in it everything goes and comes, two rules for third parties - protection is must and no violence. Some have suggested that they are married and STD free - but no chances there. This rule will never be broken.