Boundaries, Rules & Signals with your SO

[Puffer]

Understand communication with your significant other is paramount. Curious what boundaries, rules & signals (verbal & non-verbal) should discussed / established with your significant other before putting your feet in the lifestyle waters. This certainly could generate a lot of discussions & opinions but more interested in a listing of boundaries, rules & signals those considering dabbling should consider / establish.

Boundaries that should be discussed?

Rules to consider?

Signal examples...what are yours?

[JayNSteph]

You should always discuss what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with. Even so, something will come up and you'll say to yourself "whoa I didn't like that" but you have to verbalize that, in private, to your significant other. For example, during a tryst with another couple my hubby said "I love playing with you" ...he dropped the L word...of course, the context it was used in was not what was meant, but it freaked me out a little....after we left I just let him know that it kinda freaked me out and to watch how he verbalizes certain things. Done. No fights, nothing. Stuff will come up. Also, what you might start out with as "uncomfortable" with, may eventually lead to being comfortable with, but you have to continue to communicate all things at all times.

As for Rules, set them. You can change them later, but it goes with boundaries. Some people don't kiss, some people only do anal with their SO, it is whatever you feel is best suited for you.

As for signals, my husband knows when I give him "that look"....and I know when he does the same. So for us, we have "looks"...other people have words, certain hand gestures, etc....

There is no "right and wrong" way of setting things up, it is all about what is most comfortable for the both of you. As long as you are open and honest at all times, you should be just fine.

Have fun.

[gemfields]

you should talk first.......but when you get the stink eye from her, pull up fast you are fixin to flame out.

[Cdn_cpl]

Some things to consider in no real order, definitely not a complete list but a good start....

-talk about why you want to do it. Is it to make up for something that might be missing in your relationship or to enhance an already great relationship?
-how will you know when one of you is interested in another person or couple? Some couples use a secret word, phrase, or gesture.
-will you play with singles or couples only?
-are there any activities that are off limits?
-do you think jealousy will be an issue? How will each of you react when your partner is attracted to someone else?
-will you play separately or only when together? Same room or different rooms?
-what about protection? Do you both agree that condoms are 100% mandatory?
-how far will you go? Petting and touching only, oral, or full swap?
-how do you think you'll react when you see your partner playing with another person?
-are either of you attracted to same sex playing? A large percentage of women in the lifestyle are bisexual but male/male play is definitely not common.
-what happens when one of you is attracted to a person or couple but the other isn't?
-agree to debrief after every date. Talk about what you liked or didn't like, what you would do differently the next time.
-what happens if one of you likes it and the other doesn't? Do you agree to walk away from the lifestyle completely if this becomes an issue?

Hope this helps. We've been doing this for about 10 years and still regularly have some of these conversations.

[ShawneeKat]

Cdn_cpl, that is a very well thought out list of things to consider and discuss. Thank you!

[Bitofsunshine]

We went one step further and actually wrote the boundaries down and took it with us. That way there was no “I don’t remember that”. Of course, over the years, these have been changed multiple times as we gained more experience, but they don't change until we sit down and discuss them (when we are both sober). The main thing to remember is....communication is key.

[HedoRUs]

Lol!... My crazy a%% hubby now just says to the other couple, "excuse us-we have to go huddle a moment"... It breaks the ice every time and seems to put everyone more at ease just by being real. And yes, when it's a "no, go" we are honest about that to in a light hearted way...

[bigdawg]

We have a secret code word. If either of us says the code word during a conversation, we both know its time to take the next reasonable opportunity to walk away and have a private discussion. ie: "I have to go to the washroom" and wife says "oh, me too"

[jshell]

Being that we haven't taken the leap yet, this thread has lots of good stuff in it for us as well. We aren't on the fence about doing it, we're just waiting until we get to Hedo to do it, because we don't want to play in our local sandbox. Call it a what happens in Hedo kind of mentality. We are mainly interested in full swap, which we've covered in detail in another thread (just sex, I think it was). We may differ from many, because we really don't have any rules other than we play together, same room. Our feelings are that rules only create an opportunity for them to be broken. Sure, individual rules (such as no anal) can exist per one person's personal preference, but as far as one of us not doing something because the other requested it seems it could dampen the experience. Plus, we can't see where no kissing, or just oral, etc... really makes sense. If everyone is naked, hasn't caution already been thrown to the wind?

[earthangel496]

Never call them rules. Rules are made to be broken.
Boundaries are movable with progress.

[Outlaw11b]

Being that we haven't taken the leap yet, this thread has lots of good stuff in it for us as well. We aren't on the fence about doing it, we're just waiting until we get to Hedo to do it, because we don't want to play in our local sandbox. Call it a what happens in Hedo kind of mentality. We are mainly interested in full swap, which we've covered in detail in another thread (just sex, I think it was). We may differ from many, because we really don't have any rules other than we play together, same room. Our feelings are that rules only create an opportunity for them to be broken. Sure, individual rules (such as no anal) can exist per one person's personal preference, but as far as one of us not doing something because the other requested it seems it could dampen the experience. Plus, we can't see where no kissing, or just oral, etc... really makes sense. If everyone is naked, hasn't caution already been thrown to the wind?

It might be better to test the boundaries before vacation to see how everyone handles it. I would hate to see someone's trip ruined because one person had issues with the events that took place. At least at home you can recap after Nd make sure everyone is comfortable and still on the same page. Just my suggestion.

[jshell]

Point well taken, but I failed to mention that we have played at home a bit. Swingers clubs, meet and greets, mild encounters and so forth. We just want the next level with nothing beyond the experience. We know most people say get to know the other couple, communicate and so on, but it's a no strings attached act we are after. We'd feel more weird if any interest other than the experience were to come into play. We're not saying wham bam never talk again, but that would be best in our personal opinion. Again, we know that goes against typical advice, but a one night stand, so to speak, seems to be sexier and with less aftermath than maintaining anything more.

[cowgirl]

I wanted to add a couple of things to the excellent list of suggestions.
1. The woman is in charge. We have learned that just because the man (who is often drunk and very excited) says "no condoms" , or "yes, we full swap" , or "yes, anal is okay" etc., does NOT mean anything. We had to learn the hard way to ALWAYS clear everything with the woman. Unfortunately, the drama caused by men giving permission when the wife wasn't into that was crazy! Now I ALWAYS have a one-on-one with the gal before any play. We talk about condom use, if they full swap, if she does anal, and if she is okay with him doing it.
This may sound crazy, but I would rather lay everything on the table BEFORE we lay down in bed.

2. Taking one for the team. We have been in the lifestyle for almost 10 years. Unfortunately, in our experience, the women try a lot harder to stay in shape and groom themselves than the guys. We also want to feel a "chemistry" with the other couple, some sort of connection. As it is NOT JUST about SEX for us. Some times, one of us is drawn to a certain person, even when the other half doesn't feel that chemistry.
So there have been times where I "took one for the team" so that my hubby could play with a pretty gal. But then I came away disappointed and wondered why I was in the lifestyle at all if it wasn't making me happy. So I am not taking one for the team anymore. "My tool is so impressive that I have to build a shelf over it" is NOT a good pick up line. Also, if you think a 5 min hop in the sack is plenty then I am not interested. I would rather just play with my own guy, who is in shape, knows how to manscape, and has the stamina and variety of positions to play for hours, than lower my standards and be disappointed. This may sound harsh, but it is the truth.
We are happy to talk to and hang out with everyone, but I am not going to play with guys who don't make the effort to take care of themselves. We have been together long enough that we know what each other is looking for. So we tend to scope out and approach couples that we both like. We do occasionally play separately if only one of us is attracted to part of the other couple. But we make sure that each of us gets enough playtime so that neither of us feels left out.

3. Post game discussions. This was mentioned by someone else. This is SO important. We talk about what we liked about the other couple and compare notes. If either of us didn't have fun, we share that and talk about if we are going to try again or move on. Everyone has off days, maybe they were tired, or had too much to drink. Talking about all of this really helps, kind of a debriefing. To make sure that we are on the same page, no jealousy going on, everyone felt they got enough of the right kind of attention. For example, even though we are playing with another couple, we talk to, touch and communicate with each other during playtime to stay connected and make sure we are both happy with what is going on.

4. Signals and safe words. In the heat of the moment, with copious amounts of alcohol often flowing, things can get out of hand quickly. We have a signal that means "not playing with them", and a safe word that means I need help/need to stop NOW. Both the signal, which we use to tell each other we are not interested in the couple, and the safe word, fit into any conversation and won't attract attention but make sense to us. I don't drink at all, so "ALCOHOL" is my safe word. If I tell my husband "I need some ALCOHOL now" he KNOWS that he needs to stop what he is doing and make sure I am okay. You could choose any simple short word or phrase that you will remember even if you are drunk.

Hope all of this helps you enjoy your encounter.

[happy2us]

Cool post Cowgirl. We are not in the LS but if we were, it would be along the lines of what you wrote.

[Cdn_cpl]

1. The woman is in charge. We have learned that just because the man (who is often drunk and very excited) says "no condoms" , or "yes, we full swap" , or "yes, anal is okay" etc., does NOT mean anything.

WTF? Seriously? At first I though you were kidding but realised you weren't as I read on. I don't know who you're married to but in our relationship, including swinging, it's 50/50 and we decide together what we're going to do, no one person is in charge. Isn't this the whole point of having the types of conversations we're talking about? Your comments reflect a "men are pigs" attitude that has no place in swinging.