Taking the first step

[PMPNLP3018]

I guess the question of this post is how does a new couple get into the lifestyle? Looking for some advise on how to express the interest to each other (couple wise that you'd like to explore) and of course best way to meet others without any pressure or expectations? Also any tips on what went well or didn't go well on meeting, bringing it up with your significant other ect? I know its a broad subject but figure it's the easiest way to get information since there are obviously plenty of seasoned members out there can share their good & bad experiences. If anyone doesn't want to post for privacy reasons, totally understandable and please feel free to PM with any experiences you may have had, suggestion ect. If your not willing to share them in public or have shared them before and don't want to rehash them. Thanks for all the help!

[Dabaki]

Find a club and just take it slow. Talking about everything with all involved parties is the most important thing. Or, go to Hedo and do the same thing just in a tropical party environment.

[HedoJoe]

The Key is communication between the two of you.

[tigger69]

From your comment ("express interest to each other") I would guess that you are just starting down this possible path. I suggest you develop a SHARED fantasy around swinging, expressing how nice it would feel to see others appreciate your partner, how a light playful attitude would avoid the drama. And communicate, honestly, about everything, including your concerns. Then look at clubs or resorts. I find the resorts the easiest places to get comfortable: less hurry, more shared time, and hanging out with a bunch of playfull, naked people lets things happen really easily. Have fun!

[CopNkitten]

Start out with local meet and greets, that way you can meet people in the lifestyle while in public.
Start with some flirting, etc and see how you both feel about it.
Plus in a public setting you know its not going to far until you are ready.
Cop..

[PMPNLP3018]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

[bumpngrind]

What all the other peeps said above. Communication is the most important. Communication first with your spouse, talk about *everything*:
- Your limitations as a couple: oral, full swap, kissing/no kissing, same room/separate room, play together or play on own, etc.
- How you will signal to each other your interest discreetly: when you're talking to a couple or individual, how do you know your partner is interested before you make the first move?
- How you will show your interest to a couple/individual: who does the talking, usually this is the two females, especially with people new in the lifestyle
- Safe word (ours is "Budweiser") so that if something is getting uncomfortable your partner can help

Communication with the other couple/individual:
- Express interest and if they're delayed to respond tell them you will let them think about it and if interested they're welcome to come and talk to you whenever they wish
- Before you play make sure that you talk about everything (boundaries, likes, dislikes, etc.). Even if you think it's awkward, it's going to be 100 times worse if you go beyond someone else's boundaries and the fun will end in a haste (some couples/individuals don't kiss, some require protection for oral, some require same room play only, some can't do same room play for various reasons, etc.)

While playing:
- Communicate, communicate, communicate. With your playmate(s) and your partner
- If you're unsure something is okay, it just comes up and you didn't talk about it then get the nod from your significant other and/or clarify with your playmates, especially if they change their mind mid-play (e.g. if a couple doesn't want to do full-swap and just a soft-swap and they change their mind during play, we would stop the fun and discuss it entirely before we all make an informed decision; some peeps in the lifestyle wouldn't even entertain the change of plan in the heat of the moment; tread carefully here)

Post-experience communication:
- An honest, open communication after *every* experience with your partner. Discuss what you enjoyed, what you didn't (be 100% honest), talk about concerns, possibly reconnect with your partner and assure them that they're your #1

These are just high-level tips. Some couples don't play during first discussion so they can go away and discuss privately, and it's perfectly fine to say that to a potential playmate. "We might be interested, but we need to discuss it privately, give us a few minutes to discuss one on one please". These rules aren't all set in stone, there are differences, but the central most important point is communication - communication with your partner, communication with potential playmate(s), and more communication. Last year two couples in our group split as a result of situations at H2, the year before 1 couple split. This is a *very* small # compared to how many are present, but these situations were likely entirely avoidable.

Hope that helps!

[Gibby]

What all the other peeps said above. Communication is the most important. Communication first with your spouse, talk about *everything*:
- Your limitations as a couple: oral, full swap, kissing/no kissing, same room/separate room, play together or play on own, etc.
- How you will signal to each other your interest discreetly: when you're talking to a couple or individual, how do you know your partner is interested before you make the first move?
- How you will show your interest to a couple/individual: who does the talking, usually this is the two females, especially with people new in the lifestyle
- Safe word (ours is "Budweiser") so that if something is getting uncomfortable your partner can help

Communication with the other couple/individual:
- Express interest and if they're delayed to respond tell them you will let them think about it and if interested they're welcome to come and talk to you whenever they wish
- Before you play make sure that you talk about everything (boundaries, likes, dislikes, etc.). Even if you think it's awkward, it's going to be 100 times worse if you go beyond someone else's boundaries and the fun will end in a haste (some couples/individuals don't kiss, some require protection for oral, some require same room play only, some can't do same room play for various reasons, etc.)

While playing:
- Communicate, communicate, communicate. With your playmate(s) and your partner
- If you're unsure something is okay, it just comes up and you didn't talk about it then get the nod from your significant other and/or clarify with your playmates, especially if they change their mind mid-play (e.g. if a couple doesn't want to do full-swap and just a soft-swap and they change their mind during play, we would stop the fun and discuss it entirely before we all make an informed decision; some peeps in the lifestyle wouldn't even entertain the change of plan in the heat of the moment; tread carefully here)

Post-experience communication:
- An honest, open communication after *every* experience with your partner. Discuss what you enjoyed, what you didn't (be 100% honest), talk about concerns, possibly reconnect with your partner and assure them that they're your #1

These are just high-level tips. Some couples don't play during first discussion so they can go away and discuss privately, and it's perfectly fine to say that to a potential playmate. "We might be interested, but we need to discuss it privately, give us a few minutes to discuss one on one please". These rules aren't all set in stone, there are differences, but the central most important point is communication - communication with your partner, communication with potential playmate(s), and more communication. Last year two couples in our group split as a result of situations at H2, the year before 1 couple split. This is a *very* small # compared to how many are present, but these situations were likely entirely avoidable.

Hope that helps!

bumpngrind, appreciate all the in-depth info it was a very good post.

We too are very new and just had our first very soft swap experience last week in Hedo. We discussed everything before and after, I highly reccommend that to all. One question for the vets is, how in the world do you go about finding groups, events, clubs, etc within your local area?

We aren't the type of people to just get online and send someone a PM hoping to meet up and have some fun like they do on some of the LS sites. We much prefer to meet at a club/event and get to know people prior to playing. This is probably the most difficult thing for newbies to do since it's so much like dating all over again and niether of us have dated anyone else in 20 years so we are to say the least a little rusty.

[BnK]

Research... talk about it all. The. Time. Establish rules and comfort levels and signals to let each other no if you are or are not interested or comfortable. Figure out what you want... what you both want. Reevaluate consistently.
Events, parties and clubs are good.
we find a lot of the time it is better for comfort levels if the ladies in the couples talk to each other when there is mutual interest. Be honest and upfront.
Everyone has given really good advice.
Communication is the biggest thing.... and you always need to keep the focus on your relationship with your partner.

[bumpngrind]

My pleasure, glad to help!

In terms of finding good places to get together with others in the lifestyle, searching Google is definitely your best friend. Try searching for "[cityname] swingers clubs" or "[cityname] swing clubs" or "[cityname] swingers events" or "[cityname] swing events" or "[cityname] lifestyle clubs" or "[cityname] lifestyle events" etc. and hopefully you come up with some options. If you don't then start searching nearby neighboring cities, most reasonable sized cities nowadays have options available. Best of luck!

bumpngrind, appreciate all the in-depth info it was a very good post.

We too are very new and just had our first very soft swap experience last week in Hedo. We discussed everything before and after, I highly reccommend that to all. One question for the vets is, how in the world do you go about finding groups, events, clubs, etc within your local area?

We aren't the type of people to just get online and send someone a PM hoping to meet up and have some fun like they do on some of the LS sites. We much prefer to meet at a club/event and get to know people prior to playing. This is probably the most difficult thing for newbies to do since it's so much like dating all over again and niether of us have dated anyone else in 20 years so we are to say the least a little rusty.

[STL-MO-CPL]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

You guys are from Ohio, maybe you should drive over the neighborhood featured in the new A&E series called Neighbors With Benefits. The show starts tonight (3/22/15) and I have my DVR set to record every episode. Since it's on A&E, don't expect much graphic action, so maybe it would be a good innocent first step to explore the idea through the eyes of some other fellow Ohio citizens that already partake in the activity. If you happen to have Playboy TV, the show Swing is also really good.

[PMPNLP3018]

Thanks for the comments an ideas everyone, now just need to find a safe, sane, and understanding couple to oink up up, charm her cloths off and show us the way ��

[STL-MO-CPL]

Everyone knows there are tons of online resources out there, but my favorite source of info is Podcasting. There are almost a dozen of them out there now on iTunes all for free. There's even one published by a lesbian couple (Sapphic Swingers). I think two of the best produced podcasts for beginners is We Gotta Thing and another called Swinger Diaries. Needless to say, there is a diverse group of podcasters out ther who are devoting significant time and money to making their content available for the masses. Enjoy!

[STL-MO-CPL]

One question for the vets is, how in the world do you go about finding groups, events, clubs, etc within your local area?

We aren't the type of people to just get online and send someone a PM hoping to meet up and have some fun like they do on some of the LS sites. We much prefer to meet at a club/event and get to know people prior to playing.

As a fellow Missouri resident, I think the biggest challenge you'll face is the fact that you live in Missouri. It's not exactly the national hotbed of open minded sexuality. I'm quite jealous of folks who live in Portland/Seattle/San Diego/Austin/Atlanta. They seem to have significantly more opportunity due to the larger populations of like minded folks. With that, comes a greater online presence in those areas. One thing I keep hearing over and over is how regional the sites are. SLS might be big in one city, but Kasidie is bigger in another city. From what I hear, C4P is the biggest in the Midwest. I'm resigned to the fact that we'll probably have to travel in order to surround ourselves with swinger folks.

[suesbob]

If you are anywhere near Lake of the Ozarks, look into Missouri Lifestyles Club (MLC). They have a big party at a resort there once a month. We have flown in from Florida several times, and love it. The people are some of the greatest folks we have ever met. We met the owners at a resort once and they invited us. Almost wish we could move there to be closer.