Jokes

[NFLDcpl]

Tourist was in Newfoundland on a charter boat. They had divers that would dive for deep sea muscles. They would suit up, sit on the edge and fall into the water. Minutes later return with a basket full. After some time the tourist looked at the captain and asked, "Why do the diver fall backwards off the side of the boat." To which the Captain replied," B'y you's turists not very bright is ya, If they fell forward b'y they'd still be in da boat wouldn't they.

Mmmmmmm Muscles.

Newfie driving from Newfoundland to Toronto. Seen a sign that said "Toronto left." So he turned around and went back home.

Same Newfie driving to Toronto again and spotted another sign that read,"Clean Washroom Ahead." Poor man cleaned 24 washroom before he got to TO.

[funcouple_nepa]

Lmao haha

[funcouple_nepa]

HOW THEY HAVE SEX

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

[NFLDcpl]

That's great.

[hedoforus]

My favorite animal
Our teacher asked what our favorite animal was, and i said "Fried chicken".
She said i wasn,t funny,but she couldn't have been right,because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and i am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, to. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway my teacher sent me to the principle's office. I told him what had happened, and he laughed,too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So i told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principle's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when i am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where i am now.

[funcouple_nepa]

hhahahahahahah

[scott-n-bobbi]

Good old fashion blond joke:
three women are together and all pregnant. The brunette states that she knows she is
having a boy because her husband was on top. The red head states that they are having a
girl because she was on top when they concieved. All of a sudden the blonde lady bursts into
uncontrolable tears. After about 20 minutes the other two women calm her down. They ask her
"why did you burst into tears like that, arn't you happy about having a baby?", it's at this time
in a teary, distraught voice the blonde blurts out"I think I'm having puppies".

[NFLDcpl]

Lil Johnny and his Lil brother Lil jimmy made some trouble at school one day for using foul language. The school called home and informed the parents that one more outbreak and they will be suspended. After hanging up the phone the father said to the mother. "Tomorrow morning the first one that walks down for breakfast and says a swear i'm gonna tan their hide." So the next morning lil jimmy walks down the stairs. The mother asks, "What do you want for breakfast?" Jimmy replies, "Give me some fuckin' Corn Flakes." With that the father grabs him a proceeds to give him the whoppin like never before. Lil Johnny who walked down during this stood there in awe. After the Dad was finished he looked over at Lil Johnny and said out of breath. "And what do you want for breakfast?" I sure as Hell don't want any Fuckin Corn Flakes.

[scott-n-bobbi]

NFLDcpl, gotta love the coaster jokes but only Canadians understand the origin.
Heard about the newfie that got all excited about quebec seperating from canada...
figured it would cut the drive to Toronto by 6-8 hours.

[funcouple_nepa]

You Might Be Canadian If...

* You bring a portable TV on a camping trip so that you don't miss Hockey Night.
* You can repeat the entire Molson's Canadian 'The Rant'.
* You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.
* You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."
* You hum David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme in the shower.
* You know that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) don't always look like that.
* You make up patriotic lyrics to go along with David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme.
* You cried when Gus "drowned" on Road To Avonlea.
* You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot To Hold".
* You think there isn't enough of Peter Gzowski to go around.
* You think it's normal to have a grain elevator in your backyard.
* You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.
* You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "what's good enough protection for the Prime Minister, is good enough for me!"
* You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean.
* You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the Hinterland Who's Who spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.
* You participate in Participaction!
* You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.
* You think Lloyd Robertson is sexy.
* You think Peter Kent is sexy.
* You think Matt Damon is so-so.
* You stood in line for hours for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.


THERE were a lot more to this list but I thought it was way to long to post didnt want to upset anyone..
Mike

[scott-n-bobbi]

Mike, you missed the most important one....Why do Canadians symbolize
american beer and having sex in a canoe as the same thing.......


THERE BOTH FUCKING CLOSE TO WATER!!!!!!

[funcouple_nepa]

Mike, you missed the most important one....Why do Canadians symbolize
american beer and having sex in a canoe as the same thing.......


THERE BOTH FUCKING CLOSE TO WATER!!!!!!

LOL NICE oh and u leave on the 24th according to ur profile...

[EastWest]

A couple living in a small Minnesota town take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.

After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to bowl, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?"

The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?"

"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her hairy muff.

After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before."

"I know," he replied, "but the bowling team hadn't!"

[funcouple_nepa]

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

[iluvurodstee]

A woman was at her doctors for her yearly visit. As the exam ended, and as she began to pick up her things to leave, the doctor looked at her and noticed that she seemed hesitant. Knowing that sometimes people are too embarrassed to ask some types of questions, he asked, "Are you okay, is there something else you might want to tell or ask me?

She looked up at him and said, "why yes, there is one thing."

He said, "Well fine, what is it that I can do for you?'

She said, "Its about Anal Sex. My husband of 30 years has been asking about it, and I was wondering what you thought about it."

He said, "Well, is it consensual?" She said, "Certainly, he would never force himself on me"

He said, "It might hurt at first, so take it slow." She smiled and decided to tell him more, "Well, yeah to be honest, we've already tried it, and it did hurt a little at first, but not anymore."

He said, "Fine, well if its consensual, and it doesn't hurt, then its perfectly safe, not to worry."

She smiled in relief, and thanked the doctor for answering her very embarrassing question. She had really been enjoying their anal sex sessions and had been worried about it. She then picked up her purse and jacket and began to leave, when he stopped her and said, "Now one last thing, please be sure to practice safe sex when you are having anal sex. You know, make him use a condom."

"A condom?" She asked, but why?" And before he could answer she chuckled and said, "Doctor, my husband and I have been together for 30 years. We've been totally faithful and I have no fears of either of us contracting some type of disease. So I don't think we need to worry about that."

The doctor replied, "No, No, No, I'm not worried about you getting an STD of any type." She then asked, "Well what are you worried about then, if you want him to wear a condom when we are having anal sex?"

He replied, "I just think you're too old to get pregnant, and I wouldn't want that to happen."

"Pregnant" she exclaimed, "what do you mean pregnant? Do you mean you can get pregnant by anal sex?"

He said, "Of course. Where do you think Lawyers come from?"

__________________________________________________ _________

Since I am a shyster lawyer, I can make fun of us. One of my favorite jokes of all time.
Feel free to change the profession to suit your needs, just make sure to give me credit, and a royalty every now and again.