Jokes

[ScubaSteve]

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he
is going at this time of night.



The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."



The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of
night?"



The man replies, "That would be my wife."



Cheers

[ScubaSteve]

Subject: Creative Puns for educated minds



Creative Puns for educated minds

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
weapon of math disruption..

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his
work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.. The police are looking
into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your Count
that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!



Cheers,

[ScubaSteve]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that
2:30am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an
erection...
but she did.


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner.
Stuff me, talk about Dyson with death.


Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men
stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries
on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Bugger that" says Mick
"Have you seen how many of their owners go blind"


I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"


A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?".
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?"
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman "he's one of us."


I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot
of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.


Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?



The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.



Hi mate i don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the hospital.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was.

[EastWest]

Redacted

[Mark D]

LOL Love it, love a good joke and that one put a huge tickle in me..
thanks..

[JohnaSands]

Heard this one from the matron at the hospital where I worked. Where do you find a woman's appendix. As you come in, ... top left.

[doubledown]

A kid grows up out in the sticks with his dad raising poultry. He gets to be about 16 and asks his dad if he can take one of the ducks into market. Dad says sure. Well the kid heads on into town and passes through the redlight district. A young lady leaning against a door asks if he's looking for a good time. "Well sure but all I have is this duck." Things are slow this week so the gal says "I'll take it". Somehow this kid has moves shes never seen or felt before and when they're done she asks if they can do that again. "Fine but I want my duck back" She agrees and they do the wildthing again and he leaves her laying spent on the bed. As he walks out the front door the duck flies out of his hands and is hit by a passing truck. The truck driver hops out and quickly asks what he wants for the duck. Kid replies "fifteen dollars" and the driver pays up. The kid gets home and his dad asks how he made out with the duck. he thinks for a minute and then says


"I got a fuck for a duck and a duck for a fuck and fifteen bucks for a fucked up duck."